BabyZ

Nikolai's Birth Story

2011-08-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

My first pregnancy was filled with drama: first trimester spotting, a positive AFP test and high risk for Down's syndrome, a mad rush to the hospital at 34 weeks when Z's heart rate dropped, and a breech position which ultimately led to a c-section. But through all this, I actually felt pretty good (surgery aside). This time, there was no drama. Everything went according to plan, all tests were normal, baby was healthy and in a good position, and I felt awful. My due date was May 17, but by the beginning of May I was done being pregnant. It was getting impossible to take care of Z, having to endlessly explain why I couldn't run, or jump, or sit on the floor, or carry him around, and why I didn't have the energy or patience to play with him the way I could before. He knew something big was about to happen. On April 24, he stopped sleeping (see previous post). And on Wednesday, May 4, I couldn't stand it anymore. I drove Z to my parents house in Albany, threw him and his bags into the living room, turned around, and drove home again.

That Friday, Dave's parents came to help with some pre-baby cleaning and other house projects. They intended to leave on Sunday when we would drive up to Albany, spend some time with my parents for Mother's Day, and bring Zekey back home. Saturday night we went to Gigi's for dinner. I was feeling pretty exhausted, hobbling around, crampy, uncomfortable, distracted... but I'd felt that way for so long I didn't think anything of it. I'd been having braxton hicks contractions for weeks and figured it was more of the same. At 6am the next morning, May 8, I had a cramp that woke me up, but I went right back to sleep. (Blissful sleep without crazy Z around!) At 7am, I had another cramp, this one accompanied by a sharp pop, and when I moved to get out of bed – gush. Despite what you see in the movies, it's actually pretty rare to have your water break before labor begins, but this was clearly what had happened. And then, nothing.

NOTE: I was a little surprised to be in labor nine days early (especially since Z was six days late) but I wasn't disappointed. My only worry was that once your water breaks, doctors want the baby to come out relatively soon since it's no longer protected by the amniotic sac. As a VBAC, I couldn't be induced, which meant that if I didn't go into labor on my own relatively soon, I would have to have another c-section. I was NOT going to allow that to happen.

I called the midwife who said I should call back with an update around 2pm. And I called our doula who gave me a bunch of suggestions for getting labor started – a pressure point above the ankle bone, a pressure point in the meaty part of the hand between the thumb and index finger, and a homeopathic drug called Caulophyllum, or blue cohosh, to be taken every 3-4 hours until labor begins. The health food store didn't open until 11am, so we ate breakfast, folded baby clothes, and packed a hospital bag. We stopped at CVS to buy diapers and some other things we hadn't gotten around to yet. Every 10 minutes or so I squeezed one of the pressure points. At times I was able to induce a mild cramp, but for the most part, I felt nothing at all. I took the first dose of Caulophyllum around 11:30am (the folks working at the health food store were a little surprised to hear that I was calmly buying this homeopathic drug while technically already IN labor.) We went for a long walk after that – waddling slowly as I had been for the past 3 months, but otherwise not feeling anything in particular. Then we went home, ate lunch, organized some more baby stuff, and called the midwife to tell her that nothing had changed. She said to call back with an update at 8pm.

Around 4pm, I took a second dose of Caulophyllum and we went for another walk. We called my parents around 4:30pm to update them that nothing had changed. Shortly after that, I had a cramp that stopped me in my tracks. Nothing too bad, but enough to make me stop walking for a few moments. It passed and we headed back home, stopping in our garden for awhile to take in the spring blossoms and see what else had sprouted. Dave reminds me that we saw a bluebird and a Baltimore Oriole – unusual for our yard. I took a few pictures on my phone. Around 4:45pm, I started having contractions fairly close together. One that lasted 45 seconds, then a 4 minute break. One that lasted 60 seconds then a 2 minute break. Another that lasted 20 seconds then a 3 minute break. According to the paperwork I had gotten from my OB, I should wait until my contractions were 60 seconds each, five minutes apart, for one hour, before calling the office. That's what happened with my last pregnancy, but this time, my contractions were all over the place. We headed inside, I went to the bathroom. I had heard this can really kick labor into high gear, which is exactly what happened. With clenched teeth, doubled over, head on the bed, I called the midwife and said things had started and we were heading over to the birthing center. At 4:53pm (hurray for message logs!) I texted my doula and told her she should meet us there. She was about an hour away so I figured this would give her plenty of time since my labor was really just starting. (HA!) Within minutes, I couldn't see straight.

I remember Dave putting my shoes in front of me and telling me to step into them when I could. I remember trying to sound upbeat as we said goodbye to Dave's parents, who were watching a Yankee game in the living room, and we headed out the front door. I don't remember getting in the car but Dave tells me it took at looong time. I remember trying desperately to load a relaxation mp3 onto my phone, and hearing parts of it on speaker; I couldn't manage to untangle my headphones. I couldn't open my eyes and really had no idea where we were. It's a 15 minute drive to the birthing center from our house and all I know is that if I could have had drugs at that point, I would have. I moaned. I gripped the door handle with one hand and the seat cushion with the other. I slammed my head against the headrest. My feet pushed against the floor. It was one constant contraction – no breaks.

We arrived at the hospital around 5:30pm. I don't remember getting out of the car – Dave says it was challenging. The next thing I remember is a woman standing at the top of the stairs in front of the birthing center. She asked if we needed help. Before we even said anything, she took me in her arms and said “Hold on.” She was very tall and I had to reach up to put my arms around her neck, but it was the most comforting embrace I've ever felt. I swear she had magical powers. I found out later she was Mary Riley, of this area's most respected doulas. After this hug, which probably only lasted a moment but felt like forever, Mary helped us inside and told the staff the baby was coming. My midwife saw us hobbling in and, looking totally surprised, said “Oh, that's mine!” and shuffled us into a room. I'm pretty sure she didn't expect things to be so far along when we got there. At this point it was probably about 5:45pm.

They asked me to pee in a cup, which somehow I did. They asked if there was any bloody show. I said yes. (In retrospect, this was kind of ridiculous considering how far along I was. Bloody show is usually one of the earlier signs of labor.) At some point I stripped off my shirt but I was still wearing my skirt. They asked if I could climb into the bed so they could check me. I did. I was fully dilated; it was time to push. (I've heard many women say they get an urge to push, but this didn't happen to me. I kind of wonder how long I'd been fully dilated before I got there. No way to know. I do know that once she told me to push, I knew exactly what to do.)

There were a lot of people in the room. I remember Dave holding me. I remember the midwife's voice telling me to push, and to breathe, and to relax all at the same time. And I remember having a death grip on some woman to my left. I found out later she came in to draw blood and ended up holding my hand through the delivery. I thanked her the next day. Dave tells me the baby's heart rate was low so they gave me oxygen. It was important that I keep breathing to get that extra oxygen to the baby. And then I pushed. Once. Twice. Three times and out he came. It was 5:59pm, about 11 minutes after we entered our birthing room. (Our doula arrived at 6:30pm.)

The next few minutes are a blur. A saw a bunch of people hovering over the baby. The midwife instructed me to push out the placenta (a very weird sensation after pushing out the baby). I heard Dave say it was a boy. Then I heard a cry. And I cried too. And then he was in my arms. What I didn't find out until later was that it took the baby a minute to “get his bearings.” He let out a little yelp when he first came out and then he passed out (or, as I prefer to think of it, swooned) for a moment before being revived by one of the doctors. And then he was fine. And I had done it – a totally natural, unmedicated, minimal intervention birth. VBAC.

I needed two stitches and Niko had a big bruise on his head which went away after a few days. He latched on right away, passed all his tests. At some point, a nurse came in and wheeled away the heart monitor that basically sat unused for the short time we were at the hospital, and I remember marveling at the fact that we had done this with so few contraptions. For Zekey's birth, I had monitors strapped to my chest, a blood pressure monitor on my arm, a pulse ox on my finger, these weird motorized pressure straps on my legs, and a catheter. This time, it was just me, Dave, and the baby. I was up out of bed within the hour. And all I needed for the pain was a few ibuprofen. I was so thankful. And so proud. And 24-hours later, we headed home.

NOTE: Monday morning, my parents brought Z to the birthing center to see us and meet his baby brother. We hadn't seen him in almost a week and, all things considered, he handled the whole thing pretty well. More on that later.

My recovery at home was actually a little more difficult than I expected. Everything happened so fast up to that point and our first day home I think I might have been in a bit of shock. I made banana bread. And we brought the boys over to our neighbors' house for dinner. The next day, the reality of what my body had been through kicked in and for the next couple weeks, I was pretty uncomfortable. Everyone had told me that recovery from natural childbirth was so quick compared to recovery from a c-section (which is was), but I was surprised to feel so much discomfort. Most notable were the cramps every time I breastfed. I had been warned about this, and was told that it was much worse with a second kid. But I still wasn't prepared for the intensity of those pains after labor was all over. In some ways, I think it was a little worse than labor since my labor was so fast and these pains happened multiple times a day for many days. I had to close my eyes and breathe through each one in a way I didn't have time to for my actual labor. On top of that, the early days of breastfeeding hurt way more than I remembered. It hurt so much that I thought I must be doing something wrong this time around and was about to go to a lactation consultant when I finally started to feel better.

It took about three weeks to start feeling like myself again, and another couple weeks for the bleeding to stop. But by my 6-week postpartum visit, I was feeling pretty good, and pretty darn proud of myself. And pretty thrilled to not be pregnant anymore! I was eager to talk to my midwife again and ask her what she thought about my labor. From my perspective, I had skipped early labor entirely and I couldn't imagine how that could happen. She basically said it's unusual for things to happen that fast, but because I stayed relaxed and just went with it that I was able to breeze though early labor without even really feeling it, and that I was able to push him out quickly because I didn't tense up and didn't resist. I realized then that despite the pain, I never felt afraid of what was happening. I trusted that my body knew what to do, and while it was strange to feel so out of control, I didn't let my brain get in the way of what needed to happen. I didn't do any of this consciously, but I realize now that I was, in fact, relaxed through the whole process.

Niko will be three months old tomorrow and the fact that it's taken me this long to write his birth story is indicative of what things have been like since he showed up. But I couldn't be happier to have him in our lives, and I couldn't have asked for a better birth.

glutton for punishment

2011-05-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

I started writing this post on May 5. Our little Nikolai was born on May 8. Now it's July 12. We've been busy. I hate for this post to disappear into the ether, so I'll post it over two months after the fact, with an update to follow.

+++++++++++++++++++

It's been close to a year since my last post, and if you're familiar with this blog, you can imagine that means life with Ezekiel has been relatively smooth. That's not to say it's been easy, but as this blog tends to serve as my space for desperate ranting, there hasn't been much need as of late. Until now.

First - a quick summary of the past year.

In September, Z started pre-school at a sweet little Montessori in Tivoli. The first month was rough (as all transitions with Z are) but now, for the most part, he loves the three mornings a week he spends there. And I love the break (though I wish it were a bit longer). After school, Z and I run errands, or play with friends, or go to the park, or hang out at home. (It was a LOOOOONG, cold winter indoors.) Z would then sometimes eat lunch (sometimes not) and for the most part, take a nap in the afternoon for a couple hours. Dave would get home and play with him some more, then dinner, and a fairly reliable bedtime routine and sleep. Wednesdays and Thursdays Z's Omi would come hang out with him so I could have some uninterrupted work time and Dave and I could get a night out. Bliss!!

I can't put my finger on when exactly things started to change. In August 2010, I found out I was pregnant with Z's baby brother or sister, due in 12 days. In December(ish) we started talking to Z about having a baby brother or sister and we've been ramping that up steadily ever since - giving him *plenty* of time to get used to the idea. In February, we got him a big boy bed. Perhaps this is where we went wrong. We *tried* to do this in a way that would be least upsetting to him: started talking about it WAY in advance, had him come to the store and choose the mattress, got him super cool shark sheets, and hid the bed in the guest room until HE was ready to make the switch. When we finally set it up, he seemed pretty excited about it, and aside from a 1-2 week glitch in his nap schedule, all seemed to go well. We've gradually made other changes - moving the guest room (Omi's room) downstairs to make room for baby #2, getting Z out of his high chair and into a booster seat, swapping his dresser/changing table for a new one and moving his old one into the baby's room. We've made a VERY concerted effort to disrupt his life as little as possible, and I *thought* we were doing a pretty good job of it.

Then about a month ago, my Omi fell and was hurt badly. My mom spent the next month taking care of her. (I always appreciate everything she does for us, but it takes a month without her to realize exactly how much she does for us. Isn't that always the way?) We got some childcare help from Dave's parents and our dear neighbors, but mostly it was just me and Z. Sometime in there, Z started refusing to nap. Then last Sunday (the last day of Dave's spring break) Z started waking up in the middle of the night.

To be continued...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think pretty much everyone has seen this already, but I want to make sure it's preserved here. Hilarious.

more zekey ramblings

2010-08-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

I don't remember where we were going but I do know that Zekey was *supposed* to be sleeping when he said all this late at night from his car seat. This is an exact transcription.

going to see something with another animal
another one
no!
(grunt, screech, grunt)
no! (squeek!)
I want that! I want nebulizer!
No! I want bert or ernie
not I want something.
i want all of those
so many of those and some of those
no i want a toe or the car or something
we're singing!
no we're another train
or that goes by and goes all the trees
and goes another tree and goes no way
and goes no more trees and some geegeegeegeegee
No way! I want to get up or dance or sesame street
no i want bert, no count, no bert
is happy and ernie is happy
no ernie is happy and bert is happy
no different tshirt (?) - no I want bert or ernie

i want the count. I want the batty bat with the count.
(scream!) (whine whine)
I need to get up. I need to get up. Zekey need to get uuuup.
I want to get up and do sesame street and do nebulizer with the count and with the batty bat bat.

No I want to go in the car. No we are in the car.

and little toes and the big toe and SPRING and there's another toe
and zekey is a boy and so many boys go in the water and boats go in the water

Zekey ramblings

2010-07-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

I intended to keep an ongoing log of all the funny/amazing things Zekey said as he was learning to talk, but his language developed so fast I just couldn't keep up. So now I'm left with all these little bits of paper filled with Zekey ramblings and before I lose them, I'm listing them here. I should have dated them because I know some of these are quite old. He's been speaking in complete sentences since about 16 months old. Here are some of the earliest ones:

Let's get some milk.
I wanna hold you.
Let's change the diaper, I have a poo poo.
I wanna play with cars.
I wanna go THAT way!
I need to get a stick. (Used for anything he can't reach.)
I wanna read the book.
Where'd that come from?
Just a little bit more.
It's an 'O!' (holding up the white of a sliced hard-boiled egg)
Let's go downstairs.

Here are some of his more creative phrases - fill in the blank with his favorite word of the moment:

a little bit of _______ (fill in the blank)
happy ________ (mama, dada, horsey, pretty much anything)
________ saur (mama, dada, etc.)
uncle (Jeff, Josh, mama, dada, Zekey)

And here are some more recent ones. He'll just string together a whole bunch of the words he knows into these long rambling sentences that sometimes make sense and sometimes just make us laugh:

A funny looking boat says "errrrr" like a car.
Jump like a monkey or like another animal that jumps; sometimes like a horsey.

Zekey loves to sing songs and he knows all the words to many of them. Some of his favorites:

Wheels on the Bus
Old MacDonald
The Ants Go Marching
This Old Man
If You're Happy and You Know It...

There are countless more; I've recorded some and will try to post at some point. He's just started singing along with his favorite songs on the Music Together CDs. It's so cute. He's still not totally in tune, but he definitely goes up and down the scale as the notes go higher and lower.

The only downside to all this talking is that he's pretty much stopped sleeping in the car. If he's not singing along with his music, he's telling us what he sees out the window, or what he did that day, or what we're doing later, or tomorrow, and who we're going to see. Charming to a point. When it's 10pm and we expected him to be asleep 2 hours earlier, it's not so cute. Last weekend we left NJ around 7:30pm, thinking he might be up for a half hour or so and then he would pass out. At 8:30pm we'd had enough of his yammering so we told him it was time for sleep and "no more talking." Instead, he got fixated on the phrase "I want Zekey's music." (meaning he wanted us to turn on the Music Together CD.) He repeated that phrase 368 times. I'm not kidding. I counted. Three hundred and sixty eight times. At 9:30pm, when we finally got home, he was still going. Crazy kid.

2 years ago today

2010-05-14T18:35:00.000-07:00

Two year ago today, just about an hour ago, little Z made his appearance. Anyone who's followed this blog knows that we didn't have an easy time of it in the beginning, or after three months, or six months, or nine months, or even into the first year. Z challenged us with just about everything and we spent many, many hours, days, months trying to figure out what we were doing wrong, what we could do better, how to make this crazy, big-eyed kid happy and healthy. And if I'm being completely honest, I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure.

Two years later, Z is a smart, funny, talkative, smiley, inquisitive, sweet little boy who regularly doles out hugs and kisses and "I love yous," and sings, and dances, and runs, and *almost* jumps ("sooo close!" he says), and makes us laugh every day. He loves to read books, he loves cars and trucks and trains, he loves animals - especially bugs, snakes, spiders, and komodo dragons. He loves Sesame Street - especially Cookie Monster, and he loves turkey burgers and meat and beans. ("Tacos everyday!" he says.)

He still prefers to be outside, he prefers to have our undivided attention every moment of the day, he's still sensitive, wary of new people and things, headstrong, and demanding. But at two years old, he's a person I'm truly enjoy spending my time with, and I am honored and proud to be his mama. We must have done something right. Happy Birthday, little Z. I love you!

blabbermouth

2009-09-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Zekey talks - a lot. He basically tries to repeat almost everything we say. And while some of it is unintelligible, much of it is clear to us. Early on, he would only say the beginnings of words - "duh" for duck and dog, "cah" for cat and car, etc. But his speech is becoming clearer now, and if we say things carefully, he'll repeat simple words almost exactly. It's a flood of language every day.

Here's a partial list at 16 months, Z's favorite words first:

no (his new favorite)
car (almost anything with wheels)
plane (anything that makes a loud engine noise)
boat
ball
football (said "fooFALL!")
baseball
kick IT!
hike hike! (the football)
throw
dog
pancake (said "panCAKE!")
waffle (said "waFFLE!")
apple
peaches (said "peaCHES")
chicken (said "chiCHIN!")
bird (pretty much anything with wings)
duck
fly (any insect with wings, and what the bird does)
flower
bug (usually meaning lady bug)
more (always said "more MORE!")
done done
water (wawa)
bottle (baba)
bubbles
book
shoes
socks
dada
mama
hi
bye bye
night night
moon
sun
shark
turtle (tuhtuh)
frog
tissue
door
sauce
please (which sounds like "peece")
help (said "helpooo" which must come from us asking "Can I help you?)
poo poo (pretty funny)
toot toot (hilarious)
choo choo
bellybutton (this one is garbled a bit, but we always know what he's talking about)

He does all kinds of animal sounds:
foo foo (for woof woof, my personal favorite)
meow
moo (which sounds like boo right now)
monkey cackle
snake hiss
rhinoceros snort and snuff (from Moo, Baa, La La La)
pig snort (sort of, he's still working on that one a bit)
chicken (another favorite of mine - bock bock bock)
wolf ooowwww
owl whoo whoo
fish pucker
goose honk
sheep baa
horse whinney
lion, tiger and bear growl (all sound the same)

Oh - he also can identify a number of birds in our Birds of NY book. We show him a picture and he says the name of the bird. He can do:
hawk
owl
duck
woodpecker (said something like "peckpeck")
cardinal (just the "car" part)
crow
turkey

Okay - I'll stop there for now, but I have to remember to keep writing these down before it seems commonplace for him to open his mouth and communicate with us. Right now, it's amazing, and hilarious.

first bruise

2009-08-15T17:16:00.001-07:00

Z started walking about three weeks ago. He had been "walking" with our hands for months (even before he started crawling) but he just didn't want to let go. We've certainly learned that Z does everything in his own time, and we weren't trying to rush him (though our backs were starting to suffer). And then he accidentally took a couple steps on his own. And three days later he took a few more. And a few days after that, he started doing laps between me and my mom. And after that it was all over. He now paces up and down the hallway, going in an out of rooms along the way. He practically runs circles around the little island in our kitchen, climbing through the legs of anyone he meets along the way. And he does it with the most adorable grin on his face - he is clearly soooo happy to be mobile.

After only three weeks, though, he's still a little wobbly and he's totally oblivious to changes in terrain. So when he batted my hand away on some uneven sidewalk in Rhinebeck this afternoon, he did his first full-on face plant. Now Z cries a lot, and even some of his tears of frustration are pretty real. But this was different. He was clearly scared and a little banged up and it was all I could do to not start crying myself. Poor baby.

Side note: I'm often amazed at how quickly my frustration with him disappears when he really needs me. He'd been fussing and complaining for a good part of the afternoon and I was about ready to drop him at the local firehouse. And then this happened and all I wanted to do was snuggle him and make it all better. I feel the same way after he goes to sleep each night. I often long for the end of the day so I can get a break from him, and then as soon as he's asleep I kind of miss him.

So Z was fine after a few minutes and was back to toddling around the streets of Rhinebeck. But an hour or so later this little red bruise showed up on his left cheek. He's had a couple little bruises on his knees (and the crazy self-inflicted hickey when he was just a few months old), but this was the first time the big bad world left its mark on my baby. I know I have to brace myself for much more serious incidents - he is a crazy boy, after all, bound for trouble. But I'll be holding his hand a little tighter for awhile, ready to scoop him up the moment he starts to totter.

15 months

2009-08-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. I know it's not possible to accurately summarize the past four months in a single entry, so I'll focus on the highlights and try to fill in the details later on.

Our boy is 15 months old today. He walks. He talks. He makes animal sounds and he makes us laugh. He loves to watch the birds in the feeder outside our front window. He often spots deer before we do. He loves cars. He REALLY loves cars. (Anything with wheels is a car.) He LOVES to be outside and he insists on going outside by yelling "HAAAA" and pointing at the door multiple times every day. He's hungry all the time (a VERY welcome change). He still doesn't eat dairy but he eats almost everything else, especially chicken. He regularly takes one nap a day (between 1 and 3 hours) and usually makes it through the night without us.

Side note: all around 1 year, Z started crawling (a crazy one knee, one foot shuffle), stopped breastfeeding, started sleeping through the night, dropped his second nap, and started talking. (I think his first word was "duck" but he picked up so many words soon after that it's a little hard to say. The complete list in another post.)

Z's baby cousin will be born any day now and I'm so excited to be an aunt.

And finally, we are home owners - of a three-bedroom house on an acre of land in Red Hook, NY, halfway between Albany and NYC.

We did our best to get settled quickly, to create a new routine for Z that feels normal and consistent, and I think we achieved that. He's still Z - passionate and headstrong and emotional and yes, fussy or temperamental or whatever you want to call it. But he does seem happy here.

For our part, we miss Oakland every single day and I think it will be a long time before that wears off. I think of the Bay Area as the best time of my life - the place where I really became an adult, figured a few things out, made some wonderful friends, and had a hell of a lot of fun. Oddly enough, moving back here doesn't feel like giving that all up. It feels like locking it away with all the other wonderful memories - camp, parts of high school, college - all great experiences that naturally must come to an end. And it feels like we are doing what we need to do to allow Zekey to begin his own wonderful memories, in a place where he has room to run, where we don't have to lock the doors, where he can go to public school, where he can spend lots of time with his grandparents, and where he can escape from and come back to one day when the time feels right. And that's what we have done. And I have no regrets.

baby eater

2009-04-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm.... tasty baby.

Trader Joe's

2009-04-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

I went to Trader Joe's without Z this afternoon. It felt strange. Strangely relaxing first of all, especially since I normally hate grocery shopping. But I got myself a chai latte, got a cart even though I probably could have fit everything in a basket, and took my time strolling down each aisle, no list, no hurry, no little hands grabbing for everything on the shelves, and no one paying me any mind. I felt invisible - like without Zeke I'm not really there.

There was a woman in line in front of me who had an adorable little dog in her cart. And she was talking to everyone, smiling and answering questions and petting his little head. And I suddenly wanted to shout to everyone that I have a little boy who is unbelievably cute and if he were with me he would be smiling and waving at you all right now! But instead I just blended in with all the pet-less, baby-less people in line and quietly paid for my groceries (no balloon for me) and walked out. And it struck me that in less than a year I've gone from being Mia, to being Zeke's mom, even when he's not with me.

PS: This is what happens when we're careless with the boy at Trader Joe's.

two teeth - he crunches!

2009-04-04T16:34:00.000-07:00

Z finally, FINALLY is getting a second tooth - the upper level partner of his first one. This looks a little strange since most babies get two on the bottom, then two on the top, not one on top of the other, but we know our boy is special in many ways. In any case, this new tooth allows him to really bite things, and today we heard his first crunch - on a Cheerio, of course. I never knew a crunch could be so cute. It's funny, too, because Z knows something is different in his mouth. Before he would just pop the whole Cheerio and suck on until it melted. Now he's holding it between his two teeth and biting off tiny little pieces. Very hamster-like.

I'll just add that I really wish we could get him to eat something else as consistently as he eats Cheerios. The problem is something we call the grab and squish. Basically, anything else we've tried to give him that he's capable of picking up with his hands but soft enough that he can chew without choking gets completely pulverized the minute he gets it in his little mitts. And it's not like he squishes it and then puts it in his mouth. Maybe we should call it the grab, squish and toss across the room (or into mama's face, or at the wall, or in his hair, eyes, ears, etc..) Or, he'll grab, squish, and smear it all over his high chair tray so the only way he could actually eat it is if he would lick the tray. (He does try to eat the tray occasionally, but not in the places he's smeared food. He seems to like the taste of pure plastic.)

Oh yeah, and he's also discovered that if you put food in your mouth, put your lips together and blow, you get a really strong reaction from your parents. Oh dear.

10 months - he waves and the world is his

2009-03-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

I finally know what Dave's mom is talking about when she says it was impossible to take baby Dave to the supermarket. Z started waving last week, an adorable opening and closing of his little hand that just kills me (and everyone else). Combine that with his ridiculous one-toothed grin, his giant blue eyes, and his incessant babbling and we can't go anywhere without people stopping to coo and fuss. All this is tempered by the occasional head-turning, nerve-rattling shriek that makes me want to hide. But on the whole, Z is just off the charts with charm and adorableness.

The waving is just one of the many big changes we've seen over the past few weeks. Z is finally rolling - something most babies do around 4 months. He'll actually choose to roll onto his belly to check out a particular toy, and he's even napped belly down a handful of times. He's still made no move toward crawling, but he will lurch forward onto his belly from a sitting position in order to reach something and occasionally do that swimming thing where he flails his arms and legs but doesn't actually go anywhere.

His absolute favorite thing to do now, though, is to pull himself up on our fingers and "walk" around. Oddly enough, he won't pull himself up on anything else - even though we encourage it. I think he likes the little extra pull we can't help but give him. But once he's up, he walks, jumps, bounces, kicks, and generally acts like a maniac all over the house. I'm not sure how this crazy legs maneuvering will translate into actual walking, but it's pretty cute.

teething

2009-03-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

I learned something new about parenting this week. If you think your kid is teething, but you're really not sure, HE IS NOT TEETHING. For months now, Z has gone through bouts of excessive drooling, chewing on everything, sticking his fingers all over his mouth, and of course his standard fussiness. And all along we figured he was teething and would check his mouth each morning for a shiny new tooth.

About a week ago, it finally happened! Without much fanfare, a tiny little white spot showed up on the bottom left side. And now the fun begins. First, he stopped eating solids. He screams every time we put him in the high chair, clamps his mouth shut, and pushes the spoon away - splattering food everywhere. Tonight, Dave was finally able to get him to eat a jar of baby food, picnic-style in the living room. But other than that, he hasn't eaten anything other than a few pieces of frozen banana and a handful of cheerios dipped in water.

Thankfully, he's still nursing, but it's like he's completely regressed to 6 months when we were first trying to get him to eat. On top of that, he's had all the other fun teething symptoms: fever, diarrhea, diaper rash, and of course, extreme fussiness. His gums are so red and swollen and he has a red rash all over his face. (I think his saliva is so toxic that when he puts his fingers in his mouth and then touches his face, his poor, sensitive skin completely breaks out.)

I had a dream a few weeks ago that Zeke got all his teeth at once, and it seems that's not so far off from what's actually happening. We can see at least three places where teeth are trying to break through, poor guy. We're doing our best to keep him comfortable - dosing him with tylenol and teething tablets, giving him cold water and frozen toys to suck on, and letting him nurse whenever he wants. But I will be very glad when this stage is over.

On a positive note, it's fun to watch him explore this new strange thing in his mouth. He likes to clink his tooth on cups and toys, and he keeps sticking his tounge out, presumably feeling how it rubs against the bumps on his gums. Too cute.

girls, girls, girls

2009-03-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

All of my dear college friends have girls so far, and with two more babies due last month, I was sure at least ONE of them would be a boy. But NO! Two more girls!

Baby Celeste (with big sisters Enya and Nola), born February 5, 2009

Baby Rosemary, born February 25, 2009

These lovely ladies join Daliah, Sofia, and Lily Ruth. I guess this means I'll have to keep waiting for another boy in the group to help support my (very weak) argument that boy babies are more difficult than girl babies. (All the babes present their own challenges of course, but Z still seems to win the prize. Lucky me.) I can only imagine that Zekey is going to be one popular guy (after a few years of it not mattering at all followed by a few years of complete awkwardness).

Baby Z, my little ladies man.

cheerios

2009-02-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

Watching Z eat cheerios (Joe's O's actually) is one of the highlights of my day. I swear he would be perfectly content eating nothing but cheerios all day every day. It must be satisfying for him to be able to pick something up that doesn't just squish through his fingers. We have yet to find another finger food that he's able to get into his mouth before he pulverizes it.

Here's a probably (definitely) way too long video of one of his first cheerio exploits about a month ago. He's gotten much more adept at it since then. Incidentally, I promised myself I would never post a video longer than one minute, but I couldn't possibly choose what part of this to edit out. I have no doubt that someone who is not Z's mom or grandma could get it down to 30 seconds or less. For the rest of you - I apologize.

baby food

2009-01-30T14:21:00.000-08:00

I am a terrible cook. Or rather, I'm terrible at the process of cooking. I don't like to follow recipes, but I have no innate cooking talent to speak of, or past experience to draw from. I get bored prepping food and I get completely stressed once it's time to start actually cooking. Hot stoves make me very nervous.

But for some reason, I really enjoy making baby food! First, it usually only involves one ingredient. Second, because you have to cook the crap out of that ingredient, there's no pressure. You just put the heat on and leave it for a long time. And there's no mystery about when it's done. If it's mushy and unrecognizable as whatever it started out as, it's finished! And then comes the really fun part - the immersion blender. It's like a power tool for the kitchen and I love it. You can use it in the same pot you cooked the food in so you don't have to make an extra bowl dirty. Joy, joy.

Unlike regular cooking, you cook once and the meal lasts for many weeks. Plus, there's something so organizationally satisfying about the colorful little cubes of food sitting in the freezer that we can mix and match for Z's meals. He seems to like everything we give him. (Some textures, like chick peas and split peas, are a bit tricky, but he powers through with only a little gagging.)

The best part, of course, is that I feel like I'm doing something good for Zekey. I have no problem with jarred food, but when I cook it myself, I know exactly where the food has come from and exactly what's in it. The homemade stuff has more texture then the jarred stuff and it holds together better which means slightly less mess at mealtimes.

I'm not sure what I'll do when he wants his food to actually look and taste like food, but for now, I'm feeling like the Martha Stewart of steamed carrots.

visit to the derm

2009-01-26T22:20:00.000-08:00

We saw the dermatologist today. Z has been diagnosed with moderate to severe eczema which is the cause of all his rashiness. The good news is that we now have very a specific and easy-to-follow treatment plan that won't cure him, but will certainly help him feel better. It involves a short daily bath, two creams, and a lot of vaseline. Very manageable. And if all goes well, he'll outgrow it before to long. In the meantime, Z will be a very slippery little boy - as if he weren't squirmy enough already.

The other good news is that the derm doesn't think Z's skin troubles are related to any allergies. He does NOT recommended limiting Z's diet (besides dairy, of course). And he doesn't think I should eliminate dairy from my diet either. So - who do I listen to - the ped or the derm?

The derm already warned us that Z's eczema will likely flare up after the Benadryl and steroids of these past few post-allergic-reaction days wears off. So, my plan is to stay off dairy until his next derm appointment on March 2. If we have the eczema under control at that point (meaning we know how to handle the inevitable flare ups) then I'll try dairy again and see how it affects him. If I see an obvious connection to the state of his skin at that point, then I'm off dairy as long as I'm still breastfeeding. But if not, then it's cheese and ice cream all day for me. Yay! (In the meantime, send me your best dairy-free recipes.)

I'm torn about Z's diet. Of course I don't want to risk another reaction like the one he had on Friday. But the derm basically said that the only truly accurate way to test for a food allergy is to try the food. Dave and his mom were both allergic to milk so we've pretty much gotten the most obvious one out of the way. (Our ped knew this and still recommended we try yogurt at 8 months. I didn't think to question her. Now I know to question everything.) Dave's brother was allergic to soy as a baby, so maybe we'll avoid that one as well.

But Z's already been exposed to wheat a number of times with all the bagels he munched back east so I have to believe we're safe there. I know we're supposed to avoid egg whites, but I honestly think egg yolks would be okay. Peanuts are a no-no for all babies under 1, so that can wait. And fish, shellfish, berries and citrus... I don't know. I'm going to think about it for a few more days and do a bit more of my own research (maybe try to talk to an allergist), but I'm thinking/hoping we're going to be able to give Z a few more food options than it seemed a few days ago. Never when I'm home alone with him. And never when the doctor's office is closed. But sooner rather than later I think. I'm optimistic.

PS: This afternoon, Zeke became a carnivore. He ate homemade chicken and rice for the first time. Oddly, it made me a little sad, but he really seemed to like it. And since he can't have dairy or soy, meat is a really good protein alternative. (Sorry Arwen and my other veggie friends.)

allergies

2009-01-24T10:15:00.000-08:00

Z is allergic to dairy. I know this because yesterday morning, when I gave him his first taste of yogurt, he turned bright red, his face swelled up like a balloon, and I had to rush him to the pediatrician where he was dosed with epinephrine and we had to hang out for a couple hours to make sure he was breathing okay. It was scary.

All things considered, I think I handled it pretty well. I remembered to give him Benadryl right away. And the doctor's office was open and Jeff was able to give us a ride. (Dave had the car at school.) I didn't completely freak out at any point and Zeke stayed relatively calm considering everything that was happening to him. But today, I'm feeling nervous. And rather mourning the loss of Z's ability to enjoy so many good foods until much, much later. Since he's allergic to dairy, he more likely to have allergies to other foods as well, so we have to avoid the following until he's well over a year (if not longer):

all things dairy (except goat's milk... hmmm)
eggs
soy
wheat
peanuts and tree nuts
fish and shellfish
berries and citrus

He can still eat all kinds of other fruits and vegetables, meats, beans (probably), and rice/potato starches. But it certainly limits his diet. And it means that we have to be really careful about what goes into his mouth. This takes a lot of energy. And I don't have a whole lot of energy left in reserve.

The biggest bummer of this whole thing is that things were going really well with eating. It didn't start out well. We started him on solids at six months, and for weeks he screamed and writhed in his high chair, gagged on and threw up his food, and generally had a complete fit every time we tried to feed him. But around seven months (while we were back east), something clicked and he started to really love eating. It was such an enormous relief and meals became really fun. He loved everything we gave him - sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, zucchini, bananas, pears, cereal, apple sauce, chick peas, hummus(!)... everything but avocado (strange). And I was pretty excited to keep introducing new foods and seeing his reaction.

Now I'm tentative, and a little afraid. I'm sure my fear will wear off with a bit of distance from yesterday's mild trauma. And again, this could have been a LOT worse. But it would be nice... really, really nice... if we could just catch a little bit of a break.

PS: This food allergy is almost definitely related to his skin issues and the pediatrician has done a bit of a reversal and said that I should cut dairy from my diet. (She was pretty convincing earlier that it wouldn't make a difference. Ah well.) Let's hope this unfortunate incident is what needed to happen to finally make Zekey a completely healthy, rash-free little boy. (Dare I say less fussy? A better sleeper? Ha.)

back around the lake

2009-01-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

I went for a run/walk around the lake today. Not because I desperately needed to get out of the house. And not because I couldn't think of another way to get Z to take a nap. But because it was a beautiful day and I wanted to. So I strapped Z into his sweet jogging stroller (courtesy of Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jeff) and I headed out.

It has been a LONG time since I tried to run. I could barely squeeze into my sports bra and every muscle in my body felt squishy and weak (except for my left bicep - rock solid from toting around 17 pounds of baby all day). I stopped and rested a lot. But I felt positively, enthusiastically in control. Zeke had already taken one (albeit short) nap in the morning. I knew that he wasn't likely to start screaming bloody murder while we ran/walked and that if he started to fuss I could relatively easily distract him. I knew that when we got back, he would eat some lunch and take another (albeit short) nap. I knew that I could shower and clean up a little while he took that nap. And I knew that for the rest of the day we would find some way of entertaining ourselves.

Granted, I always feel a little more confident on the weekends when Dave is around to help out, but overall, this run/walk around the lake felt like a jumping off point to a future that is a little calmer, a little easier, and just a little more like the life I had before this crazy kid came along.

bodily pride

2009-01-18T23:38:00.000-08:00

Many updates on little Z are forthcoming, but right now, he's sleeping and I'm up late watching Grey's Anatomy on DVR. Dave has given me a nice break this weekend (like every weekend) - taking over the diaper changes and playing and putting down for naps so I have some time to myself. So today I ate a leisurely breakfast, and read some and worked some and vacuumed some. And at 4 pm, I went to San Francisco to see a play and have dinner with some girlfriends. Pure luxury.

Back in July and August, I pumped everyday to make sure I had a good supply of milk so I could go out for nights like this and have the freedom and flexibility to leave Z with Dave or someone else. I built up a large stock - close to 30 4-ounce bags. Only I so rarely go out, and I didn't want that milk to go to waste, so I stopped pumping. I stopped seeing daily proof that my body is producing this sustenance for my boy.

Five months later, that frozen supply is finally dwindling. So tonight, when I got home from my date, I decided to pump for the first time in a long time. I rarely get engorged anymore, even if I miss a feeding. So I didn't need to pump. I mostly just wanted to see how much I would get. Production is usually lowest at night, and since I don't know how much he gets during the day, and I'm still constantly nagged with the lingering insecurity "is he getting enough?" I was curious.

I pumped 8 ounces of rich, white milk. Amazing! Z and I have had so many struggles these first 8 months. So few things have fallen neatly into place for us, but this thing, this one amazing thing, has been good. Really good. And while I can't say I enjoy pumping (I much prefer the closeness and intimacy of breastfeeding) it felt so good to have this visual reminder of what my body can do for my son. I know so many moms who struggle with breastfeeding, so many moms who make themselves crazy trying to keep up their supply. And I am so thankful that this one thing has gone well for us - that we have found this balance of supply and demand. I know that one day I'll reach a point when I want to wean, when I'll want my body for myself alone. But for now, I'm so proud of what I can do for Zeke, and I have no desire to stop.

boy meets bagel

2008-12-22T20:17:00.001-08:00

It's our first time back east since Z started eating solids and we've discovered that the boy loves bagels. What a good jew. We'll have to import them to the bay area. They're just not the same out west.

after dinner entertainment

2008-12-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

The boy loves dinner and a show. Too funny.

7 months - we're gonna be okay

2008-12-14T23:13:00.001-08:00

Yes - we've had a tough few weeks. But today is Z's 7 month birthday and right now, I've got nothing but love for the little guy. Granted, it's after midnight and he's been asleep since 7:30 pm - no crying yet. I've got a burrito in my belly and I finished all the work I had to do this weekend. Z actually ate a few spoonfuls each time Dave tried to feed him today - a major accomplishment. And we got through the day with a minimal amount of fussing.

We'll see how things go tomorrow when Dave is back at work, but I'm going to tentatively say that we've weathered this most recent storm. I don't think we're in the clear yet, but I'm ready to shake off the past few weeks and start afresh with my sweet, smiley, adorable 7 month old boy. It's awfully hard to stay upset when he's so ridiculously cute.

Plus, he laughs when I try to juggle. Somehow this makes everything okay.

PS: The things I do for this kid... jeez.

the saddest baby

2008-12-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

Z will be 7 months next week and while it seems like every other baby I know is settling in to a regular and relatively happy routine, my little boy is sadder and more unsettled than ever. I really have no idea what's up with him. Maybe it's teething (at least 3 weeks of all the teething signs but no teeth yet). Maybe it's the cold he's had for the past two weeks. Or maybe it's the onset of some kind of separation anxiety. Maybe it's his skin, maybe he's overtired, maybe his belly hurts, maybe I'm the worst mother in the world.

I'm not really prone to this kind of self-deprecation anymore, but it's really hard to keep my confidence up when he spends so much of every day so upset.

I can't put him down for two seconds without him crying - REALLY crying. He cried through my entire shower this morning - even though he was sitting right outside the shower door and I sang and played peek-a-boo with him the entire time. Yesterday, I put him in his exersaucer and walked away for a moment and he cried projectile tears. (When I went back to pick him up, a tear actually hit me in the face.) He can sit up by himself now, but if I don't sit and play with him, he throws himself onto his back and just screams. And even when I am interacting with him directly, he's still fussy and hard to please. The only time he's really happy is in the carrier, facing out, walking around outside.

I know some babies are just fussy, but this seems like too much, and for too long. I feel like I must be doing something wrong for him to be so upset for so much of every day. OR, there's something really wrong with him - like he's sick or in pain. Dave called the doctor today and explained how he's been behaving. She said it seemed unusual for him to cry so much, but she didn't have any specific advice other than to make sure he's sleeping enough and to call her in a few days if he doesn't get better. Great.

So for the third or fourth or tenth day in a row, I'm going to bed determined that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will try to be more patient and more loving and better able to read his signals. I will feed him before he cries in hunger, put him down for a nap before he cries in exhaustion, pick him up before he cries in lonliness or fear of separation. I will wait to shower and check email and eat breakfast until he is napping. I will give him my undivided attention. And after an hour or two of this, I will be completely exhausted. He'll go back to being miserable, I'll go back to being miserable, and we'll repeat the pattern again and again.

On the positive side, my friend Sara reminded me today that it's a good thing Zekey feels things so passionately - a little like his mom. Great.

skin troubles

2008-11-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

Little Z is generally a very healthy guy, but he's got some serious skin troubles. His scalp and forehead are dry and crusty, his cheeks and lips are often chapped. His ankles and backs of his knees are cracked, he neck is always red and shiny, and he is often covered from head to toe with dry, bumpy red patches. Nice, eh? (How can he possibly still be so cute?)

We've tried all kinds of things to cure him - hydrocortisone cream, clotrimazole antifungal cream, three different kinds of moisturizers, two different kinds of soap, baths with no soap, and finally olive oil rubdowns. The oil works for a short time - especially on his head. (And it makes him smell deliciously edible.) The various creams work occassionally, but I don't feel good about covering him in steroids every night. I've recently tried cutting dairy out of my diet in case he's having a bad reaction to lactose through my breastmilk. But I'm having a hard time sticking to a dairy-free diet, partly because I keep forgetting, party because the idea of giving up cheese and ice cream is just too sad, and partly because I don't believe it will actually help anything.

Zeke's nanny Andrea (more about her another post) studies Chinese medicine and says Zeke has too much heat. She recommended I stop eating spicy foods - another thing I've been unable to stick with. I'm not sure how I feel about Chinese medicine when it comes to my son. On the one hand, I don't feel comfortable introducing herbs I know nothing about into my or his diet. But I do believe the concept that Western medicine deals with the symptoms and Chinese medicine deals with the root cause.

Andrea believes that the root of Zeke's skin problem is in his intestines, and that by adjusting my/our diet, we can cure him of these and any future food/allergy/skin-related problems. She gave me the name of a nutritionist who specializes in things like this, and I figure it can't hurt to see what she has to say. We also have a pediatrician appointment on Monday... so maybe we can compare notes. East vs. West. Who can turn my baby's skin from lizard to... well... baby.

PS: I should mention that Z doesn't seem overly bothered by these skin issues. He does scratch himself sometimes, but it doesn't seem related to how bad his skin is at the time. It's almost like he scratches for fun, not relief. Another question in the east vs. west showdown.

sleep deprivation

2008-11-22T19:19:00.001-08:00

It's now been just over 6 months (minus one day :-) without a full night's sleep, and I'm totally fascinated by the body/mind's ability to function on limited rest. The amazing thing is that I don't generally feel sleepy. I can stay awake to read in bed most nights, and I've kept up my bad habit of staying up past midnight just to have some extra time to myself. Sleep deprivation is affecting me in entirely unexpected ways.

I am clumsy.
I can't remember anything. If I don't write it down immediately, it's gone. (Seriously, if I said I would call you back and you didn't hear from me, or I promised I'd do something and didn't do it, please don't take it personally.)
I constantly lose my train of thought.
What was I saying?
My sense of humor is lacking sophistication.
I don't finish my sentences. Dave is especially affected by this since I'll start telling him something, get distracted, and just walk away. It sounds bizarre, but
I don't get sarcasm. Really, I just take everything at face value - can't look deeper than that. (This one is challenging since I know a lot of really sarcastic/subtle people.)
I can't do math. (Yes - I am going to blame this on sleep deprivation. Once I'm well rested again I'll figure out another excuse.)
I lost my sense of direction. (heehee - just kidding)
I have to double check really basic things - do I have my keys, do I have the baby with me, am I wearing pants.

Oh yeah, and I must be somewhat emotionally stunted because somewhere in the last month Amelia almost died and I barely reacted. I was worried, but I definitely didn't get as upset as I should have when Dave called me in NY and told me he had to rush Amelia to the emergency vet. And I got really annoyed when I had to give Amelia antibiotics twice a day for two weeks. AND, I rather enjoyed the fact that she was so quiet and didn't poop all over the house when she was sick in her cage. But she's healthy again and back with a vengeance so I'm paying for all these terrible thoughts.

Finally, I'm losing my ability to write entertaining blog posts.

he did it! (part II)

2008-11-22T18:16:00.000-08:00

Not sleep this time, but just now, for the first time ever, he rolled from his back to his tummy. YAY! Of course he immediately rolled onto his back again, but it was a full 360. And he repeated it three times.

It's amazing that something so small can be so exciting in this baby raising world. I'm so proud of our little guy.

PS: No, he did not sleep through the night last night, but it's okay. I'm still living off the extra sleep from two nights ago :-)

he did it! (screw the jinxes)

2008-11-21T05:49:00.000-08:00

Mark this day - November 21, 2008. 6 months and 7 days.

Ezekiel Lobel Woulfin slept from 7:30 pm to 5:30 am.

(And yes - I woke up in a panic at 4:30 am wondering if he was dead.)

As much as I'm going to kick myself for posting this when I know it will prevent him from repeating this momentous event for another 6 months, it seems like one of those things I'm going to want to remember. Perhaps my next post on the long term effects of sleep deprivation will counter the jinx.

kia

2008-11-13T22:51:00.003-08:00

I almost passed out when I learned this, but Dave had a Kia too! For those of you who don't know, Kia is my dear lovey, security blanket, whatever you want to call her that I've had for as long as I can remember. She still sits next to my bed and she makes me feel better when things are hard. Officially, she's a Sqeak-A-Boo, a rattley, squeaky toy that was apparently very popular in the 70's. Anyway, Sue just sent us Dave's old Kia to give to Zekey. I don't think Dave loved his quite enough. And Zekey doesn't seem interested. I guess I'm the only one who really appreciates how wonderful she is.

PS: I read an article once about adults and their security blankets and now, of course, I can't find it. But I swear I'm not the only one.

first east coast visit (recap)

2008-11-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Z experienced so many firsts on our trip back east for Uncle Josh and Aunt Kate's wedding. First fall colors, first rain, first frost. He experienced the paparazzi-style love and affection from our extensive network of family friends. He met his great-grandma (Gigi) Louise, my dear friend Tracy, a whole bunch of cousins, and Kate's entire family.

We visited Indian Ladder Farms where mom got cider donuts and Z pet a sheep.

We did break fast with family friends and Z got beat up by a girl.

He spent lots of quality time with his Omi and Opa who can't get enough of him. He met my college friends and their babes. He took his first long car ride from central PA to upstate New York and would have slept the whole way had we not hit traffic. He slept in three different beds while negotiating his first time change and he handled it all as well as can be expected.

And most importantly, he found his toes.

the haircut

2008-11-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

We didn't think Dave and Zeke looked quite enough alike, so we decided to make some changes.

Can't let that lovely hair go to waste.

The new look.

Zekey's first meal

2008-11-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

We gave Zekey his first taste of rice cereal last night - two days before his 6-month birthday. It was so much fun to watch him push the food around in his mouth, and of course most of it ended up on him, on the table, on the chair, on me. Now I understand the need for a high chair. It has nothing to do with having the baby safely at the table - it's all about keeping the mess to a minimum. Otherwise, someone needs to invent a full body bib for baby and mom. We're going to stick to rice cereal for a week or so, but I can't wait to see how he reacts to real food. People keep telling me he's going to sleep through the night now that he's eating solids. But honestly, I'm beyond caring. I'm just really starting to enjoy my little boy - who seems a little less little every day.

Zekey's first Halloween

2008-11-05T22:08:00.001-08:00

While I'm completely convinced that Halloween for infants is way more fun for the parents, Zekey was totally adorable in the little bear suit his Omi bought him.

We brought him to the Montclair Halloween parade where he used his new-found grabbing skills to get mama some candy. (He had to round-house kick that little ninja out of the way first. Z may be small - but he's quick!)

And later that night we carved a pumpkin.

Election Day 2008

2008-11-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

Zekey was a little nervous about the election.

But he studied up.

He's pretty happy with how it all worked out.
Except for prop 8. He's pissed about that one.

sleep training - battle of the wills

2008-10-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Note: After my brother's wedding, I knew I would have a week of relative calm at my parents house. So I figured it was as good a time as any to try some sleep training. I wouldn't call it a complete disaster, but let's just say we're no better off than when we started.

I'm trying to figure out a way to summarize this week here on the east coast, and all I can think of is that Z and I have had this battle of the wills, and Z has won. I don't like to think of my relationship with Z as a competition, but that's what it's felt like at times - me willing myself not to go to him while he "learns how to self-soothe," (aka cries) and he wailing so much, and at such unexpected times, that I can't help but cave and go to him.

My parents have been helping - encouraging me to let him work it out, and distracting me with good food and movies and glasses of wine. It also helps to have him upstairs with the door closed while I'm downstairs with the TV on. But the kid can wail. And I think I could hear him through a dozen sound-proof walls, three states over.

The most frustrating thing is that I feel so good when I just bring him into bed with me and let him (and myself) rest peacefully. He's so warm and snuggly and sweet. But for whatever bizarre reason, I feel like that's a bad thing to do - or at least that I'm committing myself to always having him in the bed. What I want is for him to be able to sleep on his own, but to be able to break the rules from time to time. The problem is that he's no closer to sleeping through the night than he was when this week of sleep training started, which makes me feel like I've failed, and tortured him with crying in the process.

Granted, there have been a few things to get in the way of true sleep training:

1) being in a new place at least three different nights.
2) lots of highly over-stimulating days with not nearly enough nap time.
3) me being alone in the room with him - no Dave to help me get through it.

So now we have to decide what to do next. I'm not sure I can take another week of all this crying, and despite the return to "normal" life tomorrow, I'm not totally convinced this method of sleep training will work for us right now. I'm tempted to suck it up for another month when Zekey will be a little older and a little bigger and truly able to make it the whole night without eating. (I find it impossible to tell the difference between hungry cries and attention-seeking cries. And I imagine it will be much easier to be consistent with sleep training when we know that he should simply not get hungry at night.)

On the other hand, there have been a handful of nights when he's slept a good 5 hours to start the night (like he used to) which - if it stayed that way - would allow us to actually leave him with a babysitter and go out once in a while (something we haven't done since our anniversary in early August). And there have been a handful of nights when he's slept 3-4 hour chunks after the first 5 - which means just a bit more sleep for me which would be... well... nice. And this tells me he's capable of keeping that more reasonable schedule on a regular basis if we're strong enough to enforce it.

But the more exhausted and sleep deprived I get, the harder it is to do anything with any regularity. And while I sometimes feel like I'm back in the early days of survival mode, I know that this can't last forever and that somehow or another, Z will sleep through the night. I just have to figure out what's better/worse for now - listening to my sweet boy cry, or continuing to bend to his impressive will for at least a while longer. I'm thinking the latter.

Zekey's first flight

2008-10-02T19:47:00.000-07:00

Against all intuition, we woke Z up at 4:30 am this morning to catch at 6:45 am flight to Denver, and then on to Philly for my brother's wedding this weekend. I was absolutely dreading the flight - fearing karmic payback for all the evil thoughts I had about crying babies on planes before now, and just not wanting to be "that girl" with the screaming child. But you know what? Z totally surprised me. He was great.

We had a row to ourselves on the way to Denver and after an hour of quiet playing, he fell asleep in his car seat and didn't wake up until we were ready to board our second flight. He slept through the landing, getting off the plane, changing gates and waiting in line. Amazing. The second leg was packed so he had to be on our laps the whole time. But he only fussed briefly, smiled at everyone, played with his toys, stared out the window, slept in Dave's arms for a little while, and was generally pretty content... I'm just stunned.

He then slept almost the entire two-hour ride from the airport to the hotel, and then had nothing but smiles and giggles for his Omi and Opa. And to top it all off, he fell asleep in a strange crib with nearly NO CRYING. Who is this baby?

the happy healthy something whatever book

2008-09-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding contradictory after my recent baby book-loathing post, I just finished reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth.

9:30 pm - After successfully putting Z to bed at 6:30 pm, he's up to eat - right on schedule.

I have pretty mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand, he talks a lot about fussy babies which definitely speaks to my current world view. On the other, he takes a pretty extreme stance on sleep training and basically tries (quite successfully) to convince you that if your kid doesn't sleep well he will end up hyperactive, depressed, and learning disabled, and that the bad habits he has now will last well into his college years if you don't take decisive action.

12 am - He's crying again. It's only been 2.5 hours. Should I leave him for another 30 minutes? Could he really be hungry again so soon? I haven't tried to sleep yet. What's the point when he'll be up in another half hour anyway? I'm going to ignore him.

Basically, beginning at four months, he recommends closing the bedroom door after you put your kid to bed, and not opening it again until morning. If he gets hungry at night, you should feed him, but only at set times and never more than twice in a night. If he cries in between those set times, you ignore him. Even if he cries a LOT. (Nap time is the same idea, but he puts a one hour limit on the crying.)

He says you can do whatever you want to soothe your baby to sleep, but once you put him down, you don't pick him up again until the allotted sleep time is over. In this way, he says, you teach your baby to self-soothe and be able to put himself back to sleep after natural night and nap wakings.

12:30 pm - he actually managed to put himself back to sleep after about 10 minutes! Hurray! One point for me.

On paper, this all seemed pretty reasonable - until we tried to put it into practice this week. The first time we tried to put Zeke down for a nap this way, he cried for a full hour. We could have gone into the room to soothe him with our voices, but we decided from past experience that this only makes things worse. So we were just going cold-turkey with the crying it out - what Weissbluth calls the "extinction" method. (Could it get any worse?)

It was absolutely awful, and the only thing that kept us from going in to get him was the belief (bred from this book) that we would be sending him mixed messages.

1 am - I've been asleep for 15 minutes. He's crying again. He could really be hungry this time - it's been 3.5 hours. I'll feed him.

Let me interrupt myself to say that I also read Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution." But since Zekey was already crying so much even with our soothing and intervention, it didn't seem like a viable option for actually getting him to improve his sleep.

2:30 am - Crying again. What time is it? God I'm tired. Did I feed him last time? Can't remember. I'll feed him again. Oops. Wasn't really hungry this time. Mixed messages. So tired.

Let me also say that people have very strong feelings about this whole "cry it out" thing. And I've had a few people tell me in no uncertain terms that they think it's a horrible thing to do to a baby - which of course makes me feel terrible. But they can't possibly be as tired as we are right now, and they clearly don't have a kid like our little Z. Or maybe they're just better people/parents than we are. All I can offer them at this point is - "whatever."

3:45 am - Crying. Really wailing. Now I know he's not hungry. Shouldn't be hungry until 5 am. But we haven't changed his diaper all night. Did he poop? Dave - go change him. Really wet. No poop. Should have changed him at 2 am when I fed him. More mixed signals. Back in the co-sleeper. Now he's pitching a total fit. Try to comfort him. Fail. Leave the room.

For bedtime we decided that Zekey shouldn't need to eat more than four hours after he last ate. So if we put him to bed at 7 pm (last feeding at 6:30 pm-ish) then we would ignore his cries until 10:30 pm. The first time we tried this, he woke up after three hours and didn't stop crying for a half hour when we finally couldn't take it anymore. And sure enough, he was starving. In the interest of sticking to our plan for at least one night, we ignored him again when he woke three hours later and he cried for 40 minutes before we gave in. Again, he was hungry. And we felt awful. I'm not sure how many more times he was up that night, but we didn't allow any more crying.

4:15 am - Crying stopped. He actually put himself back to sleep. Good. I'm wide awake.

Next night, we decided we would feed him every three hours, and now he's been waking up every three hours for the past two nights. Weissbluth would probably say we have taught him to wake up every three hours, but until Zekey gains a bit more weight, we not going to try to limit his night feedings any more. Just enough to get us (and him) a bit more rest. That's the idea anyway.

6 am - Somehow I made it back to bed. Dave gets up. I pull Z into bed with me. Next thing I remember it's 8 am and we're up for the day.

Basically - I'm more confused than ever. How do I know when he's waking out of habit or waking because he's actually hungry? And how do I know when he's big enough to really make it through the night without eating? And I'm too tired to really stick to any particular plan, especially during daytime naps when I'm here by myself with no one to remind me why I'm listening to my boy cry. And why can't I listen to my own advice and just trust myself to do the right thing one way or the other?

big boo hoo

2008-09-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

I should have known better.

Last night:

asleep at 7:15 pm (okay)
up at 10:30 pm (fed reluctantly)
up at 1 am (fed reluctantly)
up at 2:30 am (let cry for 15 minutes, went back to sleep, okay)
up at 4:30 am (brought into bed)
up at 5:30 am (changed diaper and fed to sleep)
up at 8 am (smiley as can be, I'm exhausted)

Sigh.

little mini woo hoo

2008-09-25T21:49:00.001-07:00

One night does not a pattern make, and I don't want to jinx any possible trend we might be on the verge of, but Zeke went to sleep last night at 8pm (nearly effortlessly), and stayed asleep until... wait for it... 3am. (insert happy dance of joy here)

I'm not going to try to figure out what happened or what tiny thing we may have done differently to encourage this change. And I'm not going to count on this lasting for more than a day or two. I'm just going to be very, very happy for as long as it lasts.

the book of "It's Okay"

2008-09-21T19:24:00.001-07:00

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I've spent the past couple days trolling my friends' baby blogs for horror stories about their early days of motherhood: sleepless nights, napless days, excessive fussing.

It's not that I'm taking pleasure in my friends' pain, but these friends have beautiful, healthy, happy one (Violet) and two-year-old (Daisy) kids, and the moms are happy and healthy and well-rested. Reading about the challenges of their early mothering experience and knowing the positive outcome gives me hope in a way that nothing else I've read has. In fact, most of what I've read has made me crazy.

My mom friends and I spend a lot of time talking about all the different books out there: books on breastfeeding, books on baby care, books on developmental milestones, and, most importantly, books on sleep. We all know these books are not going to help our babies get through teething pain or learn to sleep through the night, but we read them anyway. Somehow, reading something in a book legitimizes our choices and methods. It makes us feel like we're at least trying to make our babies lives better by using this theory or that routine. These authors have done the research and proven that their ideas work, and if we only follow their suggestions exactly as written, we would have success too.

Most moms know that one book is not going to have all the answers. So we read many books - each giving different, and often conflicting, solutions to whatever problem we're trying to solve. It's utterly maddening and ultimately makes me feel like I'm developmentally disabling my kid, or at least creating life-long bad habits by doing what feels right - or at least works for now and helps me get through the night.

So I want a new kind of book. Here's what I'm thinking. It's called "It's Okay: A Mother's Guide to Doing Everything Exactly Right."

It's pretty simple. Basically, it tells you that whatever it is you are doing is the right thing to do. Every chapter contains a list of things moms freak out about, followed by a positive affirmation from a voice of authority. For example, in the chapter on sleep, you would find the following list:

I rock/nurse/bounce my baby to sleep every night.

It's okay! You're doing the right thing.

My baby only naps in the stroller/sling/car/my arms.

That's great! You're doing a fantastic job.

I let my baby cry alone in his crib for 20 minutes at a time.

Totally fine! You're doing what you have to do.

I bring my baby into bed with me at 1 am every morning.

Wow! You're the best mom in the whole world.

Etcetera.

Truthfully, most moms I know are doing exactly the right thing for their baby, and they only question their decisions because whatever book they're currently reading tells them they should do something different. And then time passes and everything changes and they read another book which tells them to do everything differently and they feel bad and question themselves and get all stressed out and go against their instincts and then everything changes again.

I think what we all need is someone to tell us that we're doing a good job, a really good job. Hearing this from our own moms, our partners, and our friends is nice, necesssary even. But it's not the same as reading it in a book - a bestselling book. So c'mon Dr. Sears, Baby Whisperer, Dr. Weissbluth. Let's have it.

our little pterodactyl

2008-09-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

boy meets bird

2008-09-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

infectious giggles

2008-09-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Go ahead, try not to laugh.

zekey has a cold

2008-09-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

It was inevitable with a middle school teacher for a dad. Zekey caught his first cold. I have to say he's handled it pretty well. He's been sneezing and coughing and he sounds all hoarse and nasally. He had a low fever a couple nights ago but it hasn't returned. And I would say he's having a hard time sleeping, but that would be redundant.

We've been trying to help the little guy by squirting saline drops up his nose and using that crazy bulb syringe thing (which he hates), running a vaporizer all night (which the plants love and makes me feel like I'm on a tropical island), and generally trying to shower him with as much affection and sympathy as possible.

The big irony is that he's actually been pretty mellow since he hasn't been feeling well. Dave said I should be careful what I wish for. I'm trying awfully hard not to enjoy this respite just a little bit. Poor guy.

we've truly lost it

2008-09-13T17:03:00.000-07:00

We spent a couple hours this afternoon laughing hysterically about teaching the baby to flip the bird the bird, and making lists of things that are better than being kept up all night by a crying baby including getting kicked in the head and getting hot wing sauce in your eye. (Dave has actually done this and said it's bad, but not as bad as being kept up all night.)

I suppose it's a positive thing that we are laughing about all this. Zekey's 4 month birthday is tomorrow and our expectations are approaching rock bottom. He spent about an hour today lying quietly on a blanket in the living room and we started worrying that something was wrong with him.

Don't get me wrong, the mellowness didn't last. In fact, Dave is pacing the bedroom with him right now - trying to put him to bed for the fourth time tonight. I can come up with any number of excuses for Z's latest fussiness: teething, a developmental leap that, according to the book The Wonder Weeks, lasts from about 15-19 weeks (only two more to go in that case... um... yay?), the change in the weather, the fact that we stopped swaddling him for bedtime, blah, blah, blah.

But I'm tired of hearing myself talk about this.

Today, we're just going to laugh.

Zekey goes to the beach

2008-09-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

First, I want to thank everyone for all the great encouragement following my recent posts. I've felt very loved and supported from friends and family near and far, and it's definitely helped me get through this rough patch. There's nothing like a few good rants to vent some frustration, and I am definitely feeling better as a result.

So - on to happier news. We took Zeke to the beach! It was definitely a balancing act - trying to show him all the wonders of sand and sea while keeping him clean and fed and protected from the sun and surf, but on the whole I think he really liked it. He always looks very serious when we introduce him to new things, and this was no exception. But he wiggled his little toes in the sand and stared at the waves for a good long time. I think with a few more visits we'll have him smiling and giggling like he does in the tiny ocean of our bathtub.

Other exciting happenings:

Rolling

Z rolled over the other day! I have to admit I wasn't being a very attentive mama when it happened. He started crying just as I got out of the shower, so I was half-dressed and trying to comfort him when the phone rang (a call I had to take). So I ever so gently tossed him in the crib on his belly while I juggled the phone and my pants and a toy for Zeke and he just kind of leaned to one side and flipped over. Everything stopped for a second - he and I both were really surprised. And then he started crying again. I suppose I would cry too if my world suddenly flipped 180 degrees. I've been trying to get him to do a repeat performance ever since to no avail. But considering how active this kid is, I have no doubt he will be rolling around like a maniac in a matter of weeks.

(Z actually kicked himself right out of his diaper the other night - and pooped all over everything. Perhaps the diaper was not secured as tightly as it should have been, but still, that's a lot of kicking.)

Teething

I've been resisting saying that Zeke is teething partly because I've heard that lots of moms use teething to explain away standard crankiness (and only later find out what real teething is), and partly because I feel like the kid needs a break. But I was hanging out with a group of more experienced moms the other day and one of them looked over at Zeke drooling like a fiend and gnawing at my hand and basically told me in no uncertain terms that he was teething. I said he was too young. She shook her head. Poor guy.

I suppose that explains some of the formerly inexplicable crying, and now we can at least try to do some things to make him feel better. But it doesn't bode well for us actually get a full night's sleep any time soon.

Napping

I'm reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, a book that's been recommended to me by lots of moms. I know enough now to recognize that no book has all the answers, but this one is less about making suggestions and more about research - how much babies need to sleep at what age. It talks a lot about fussy babies, and suggests that if your baby is hard to read at 3-4 months (which Zekey has been), try putting them down for a nap after every two hours of wakefulness.

Z has been napping fairly regularly from 9-10am for a couple weeks now, so I used that as a guideline and have been putting him in his crib (or in the stroller) every 2 hours after that - whether or not he's acting tired. And it's kind of working! A few times now, I've put him down awake and he's actually fallen asleep on his own - no crying or fussing. He doesn't sleep very long - really no more than 45 minutes or an hour on a good day, but its a definite improvement over the nap struggles we've been having. According to the book, fighting naps happens when your baby is already overtired, so by putting them down before they're tired you avoid that trouble. This actually makes a lot of sense to me and fit's pretty well with Z's behavior.

I'll also tentatively say that this more regular napping is helping Z get to sleep better at night. He's still waking up a lot, but for the past three nights, there's been a lot less crying as we try to put him to bed the first time. We even had a couple nights where we just kissed him goodnight and left the room while he was still awake, and he fell asleep on his own after awhile without our intervening.

Now, if we could just get him to stay asleep, I will be a very happy camper. One step at a time.

16 weeks

2008-09-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This post was written at the end of a very long and exhausting day after close to 4 months without a good night's sleep. It's not quite as bad as it sounds. I almost deleted the whole thing after I wrote it, but that feels dishonest. So here it is. Don't call child protective services quite yet.

I wonder if there's a point in every new mom's life when she feels it just can't get any harder. I imagine for most moms, that happens a little closer to the beginning - at four, or six, or eight weeks - when you stare down at this tiny person and can't believe that you are solely responsible for keeping him alive. When your back hurts and your breasts are sore and you are so very, very tired. Maybe I should consider myself lucky that I haven't felt this way until now. But at this moment - 16 weeks into this new life - I don't think I can handle any more.

I must have gotten a total of about 3 hours of sleep last night. First I couldn't fall asleep. Then as soon as I finally nodded off, Z woke up for the second time. (I was still awake for the first.) Then the kicking started. And it didn't stop. Finally, at 3:30am, I decided to banish the boy to his crib in the other room. Then I cried for 20 minutes. When I went to check on him, he was fast asleep. So I went back to bed and fell asleep myself. 10 minutes later he started crying. Some amount of sleep finally happened between feeding him again and Dave leaving me alone with him at 6:30am.

I'm not entirely sure what happened between 6:30 and 10:30am when I left the house - but there was some crying (his and mine), some eating, some swinging, and a bit more sleeping. Most of the afternoon was okay. We went for a hike with a mom friend, and Zeke slept almost the whole time (reinforcing poor napping yet again). But even when things are okay these days, I dread the inevitable breakdown that will come - and that is no way to be with a baby.

My latest attempt to curb Z's fussiness is putting him down for a nap every two hours (more on that later). At 4pm, I swaddled him and put him in his crib. I put my head down on the railing, gearing up for the long lulling-to-sleep process, and I actually fell asleep there. I was jolted awake at 4:15 when my arm slipped off the rail. Luckily, Zeke had fallen asleep as well, so I was able to sleep on the couch for another 30 minutes before he woke up again.

Dave got home and we had a nice hour together before the dreaded bedtime routine which, per usual, led to complete hysteria and my feeling like I really can't take this anymore. (Compounding matters is a bit of an oversupply problem I've been having which is causing Zeke to have green poop and reject the boob from time to time - a terrible thing when it's all I can do to soothe him.)

So here we are - 16 weeks into this thing - as tired as I think it's possible to be, fearful of not being able to handle one more night feeding, one more bout of crying, one more forced nap. Another mom friend said the universe won't give you more than you can handle. If this is true, I've about reached my limit.

PS: It's not all bad. The new 90210 is thoroughly entertaining. This is how far I've sunk.

today, just for fun...

2008-08-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

I went the other way around the lake.

Then I decided to let Z cry it out for 10 minutes at bedtime.

Note to self - these things don't help.

15 weeks - different, not better

2008-08-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off updating the blog. I guess I've been waiting for something to change - either for Z to mellow out and live up to the promise of a 3-month-old baby, or for my attitude to change - to feel more positive, or accepting, or maybe just a little less exhausted. None of those things is happening. So in the interest of recording both the good and the bad, I'll stop procrastinating and put the truth out there.

It's not getting any easier.

This is partly due to the fact that Dave went back to work last week. Okay - that has a lot to do with it. I know that I was completely spoiled having him home all summer. Most people's partners get three weeks - if that. And I got a full three months. Amazing. And I knew it would be a hard transition once he went back, but I wasn't prepared for the complete exhaustion of having Zeke to myself all day long, day after day.

We are slowly but surely coming up with a routine, which helps. Here's basically how it goes.

Sometime between 7 and 9 am: roll out of bed. This is a big improvement over the former 6 am wake up call and is mostly due to the fact that I bring Z into bed with us after the 3 or 4 am feeding. He kicks and punches us a lot before nodding off, but then sometimes sleeps again until after Dave leaves for work.

I change Z's diaper and get him dressed, then it's my turn. I put on some music and put Z in the bouncy seat while I make the bed, brush my teeth, sometimes even take a shower. (A friend of Dave's suggested that I bring him in the bathroom while I shower since he'd be distracted by all the noise, steam, etc. and it works! We even play peekaboo around the shower door. I've gotten a smile or two that way.)

Then I feed Z and we play for awhile, sometimes in the gymini (though he's getting very aggressive with the hanging toys - I'm afraid he may rip them right off!), and sometimes on a blanket with a bunch of new toys borrowed from his friend Nela. We do some tummy time and some baby yoga. I try to eat breakfast (usually just a Clif Bar) and check my email (a quick glance to make sure there's nothing I need to do immediately).

I try really hard to get Z to nap for an hour sometime before 11am, but this is a huge challenge and often conflicts with our first outing of the day - either yoga, a walk around the lake, or something else - just to get us out of the house. I may prioritize the napping if things don't improve soon, but for now, I'm prioritizing my sanity and my need to interact with other adults at least once every day.

Ideally - the first outing will last until 3 or 4 pm when we come home, I feed Z, and we have some quiet play time - reading books, singing songs, playing in the crib. I'd love to get him to nap again for a couple hours between 3 and 5 pm, but I just can't figure out how to make that happen unless we walk again - which we do a lot. (I don't know if I'm more tired from lack of sleep or from circling the lake so many times.)

Dave gets home sometime between 4 and 6pm. If it's earlier, I try to get some work done while Dave and Zeke play. If it's later, we all hang out together for a little while before bath time and bed - which is sometime between 7 and 8 pm.

This all would be okay, except for one main thing. The boy hates to nap - which means that he inevitably gets overtired and overstimulated which leads to periods of hysterical crying at least once a day, usually more - and usually when I'm trying to get him to nap. It's a vicious cycle, and it's totally exhausting.

Even when he's happy, Z is exhausting. He never stops moving - constantly kicking his legs and waving his arms. If I hold him, he squirms like crazy, launching himself left and right, even trying to stand up - his whole body tensed - stomping up and down on whatever surface is beneath him. He's also incredibly LOUD. He's definitely discovered his voice - and when he gets going, his screams are deafening.

All this moving and shouting would be cute if he didn't seem so aggravated all the time. He does this thing where he lies on his back, makes little fists, tenses his body, and grunts - turning bright red. It's like his brain wants to do something but his body just won't listen - so he gets really, really mad. I feel so bad for the guy, and I want to help him, but I have no idea how.

On top of all this, Z is still waking up about three times a night. He used to sleep from 7 or 8 pm straight through to 12 or 1 am. Now he consistently gets up around 10:30 - 11 pm. Then again around 1 or 2 am, and 3 or 4 am. Luckily I'm still awake for this new early feeding, but it cuts into the one time of day that I have to myself, and that has been really hard.

From 8 to 11 pm (sometimes later though I usually regret that), I recharge my batteries. It's different (and almost more important) than sleeping. It's the one time of day I can do anything uninterrupted. I eat, check my email, do some work, talk to Dave. Sometimes I clean. I love this time of day. I need it. And when Z wakes up before I'm ready to go to bed... well... it's hard.

I'll end with the positive. When Z's in a good mood - he's such a total joy. He smiles, he giggles, he takes everything in with these beautiful steel blue eyes (not mine, not Dave's, if anything, like his Uncle Jeff's, but really something all his own). He's learning and growing so fast - it's amazing. And taking care of him has brought out depths of patience, gentleness, and restraint I didn't know I possessed. When things are good, it feels like an absolute priveledge to spend my days with him. And there are times when I feel that he loves me too - when he's tired and buries his face in my neck, when he stops crying if I pick him up, and when he smiles at me when I come back to him after being away for just a few minutes. These are the things I need to focus on. And I need to remember that these days are few and precious, and that in another month, or two or six, it will get easier.

return of the real baby

2008-08-17T19:33:00.001-07:00

Zero napping, hour long jags of complete hysteria, and a bedtime so bad the neighbors probably thought we were trying to murder our child. That's the day that followed our glorious yesterday. So am I still sustained by our one wonderful night? Ask me after a couple glasses of wine...

first brew and other milestones

2008-08-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that this is completely inappropriate and immature. But we think it's pretty funny. And no (mom) we didn't actually give him any beer. But he did like that bottle!

As you can see, Z is sitting up pretty well on his own. He consistently holds his head up for most of the day, and keeps it up during tummy time for as long as he can stand being on his belly (still mostly hovering around 5 minutes).

He grabs pretty much anything you put in front of him and puts it in his mouth. He's obsessed with these bear blankets we got as gifts - so much so that we have one in his crib and one in the car seat that we take with us everywhere. He cuddles it, rubs it all over his face, and sucks on it constantly. It's pretty adorable. He seems much less interested in the toys on his gymini. I tried to change the placement of everything in hopes of keeping his interest, but he wasn't fooled. Though he does like to chew on the lion feet for a little while - screaming his frustration if he can't get a good grip.

He loves to stare at our turtles and fish. He's completely mesmerized. We prop him on the arm of the couch and he just gazes for a good long time. I think we need to get him his own fish tank pretty soon, but Dave says we need to wait until he can take care of them himself.

Another milestone - his first laugh. At his two-month appointment, the pediatrician asked us if he was laughing yet and we both kind of shrugged. But when it actually happened, it was unmistakable. About a week ago, Dave was holding him horizontally - lifting him up and down to his chest - what he calls "baby curls". Zeke was grinning ear to ear, and then he let out the most adorable little giggle. We stopped and stared at him - wondering what that new sound was. And after a few more curls, he was giggling up a storm. Now we spend part of every day trying to get the boy to laugh - it's sooo darn cute. The most effective method is to basically toss him in the air and plop him down with a big sound - a "weeee!" or "kaboom!" He freakin' loves it.

At three months, we still have our challenges - especially around sleeping. But on the whole, we're starting to have some fun.

3 months

2008-08-16T19:42:00.001-07:00

2 days after Zeke's 3 month birthday (and unfortunately one of his worst days yet) we had one of the best days yet. As I type this, Zeke is sleeping, having fallen asleep with no bouncing, and more importantly - NO CRYING. I'm stunned, completely stunned. And I would have started typing this earlier, but I was so stunned that I just sat and watched him sleep for half an hour. I'm wracking my brain to figure out what we did differently. Was it because he napped well today? Did I time his last meal just right? Did he like his bedtime song? Is it a full moon? Do the baby gods feel bad for me since the past couple days have been so hard?

I've said before that I wasn't expecting any magic once he passed the three month mark. But I couldn't help myself - I really, really wanted to have a good day to celebrate this milestone - the end of the fourth trimester. Unfortunately, little Zekey had a different idea and he cried and fussed more that day than any I can remember. I couldn't do anything to make him happy - he didn't eat well, he didn't nap well, he absolutely *screamed* himself to sleep, and he kept us up most of the night - waking every 2 hours all night long. Yesterday wasn't much better.

But today was different.

Maybe it was because Dave and I were together all day. Maybe it was because we went to a fabulous wedding in a beautiful setting and I had him in my arms for most of the afternoon. Today we got lots of smiles, some giggles, four good naps (2 in my arms), and this miraculous bedtime.

I spent a long time theorizing with my friend Ana (mom of a fairly fussy (but adorable) 11 month old) about what was going on with Z those two terrible days. There's a big growth spurt that happens around 3 months, and there's also a developmental leap that happens around the same time. Also, Dave started work again which is causing stress for all of us, and I have some of my own work starting up again. All this combined to create a perfect storm of crankiness, and Zeke knows how to express that much more honestly than the rest of us.

Bedtime was so bad last night that I thought Zeke might have hurt himself. He cried so hard he choked. Nothing would comfort him. And he finally just passed out from exhaustion. I was dreading bedtime tonight - not having the energy to go through that again. We dragged out bath time for as long as we could - letting Z swim and splash around for awhile. I tried to get him to nurse for longer than he wanted to - forcing him back on the nipple three or four times. We sang extra songs and just sat quietly before swaddling him (when the crying inevitably starts). Finally, I lay him down to swaddle him - and he smiled at me! Sure it wouldn't last, I didn't smile back (didn't want to overstimulate him). But as I pulled the final wrap tight, he was still calm, and Dave suggested I just put him in the co-sleeper right away.

I lay him down, put my hand on his chest, and started humming Baby Mine over and over again. Still no crying. I don't know how long I hummed and rubbed for, but, miracle of miracles, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep! He usually wakes up after 10 minutes (when we generally pick him up and bounce him again) and so I waited. Sure enough, he woke up. But I was still there, rubbing and humming. And he went back to sleep! He did that a couple more times before I finally left - now about an hour ago. And he's still asleep. I really just can't believe it. Wow.

I have no doubt there will be many, many more nights of screaming before bed, probably tomorrow (or even later this evening). But this one night may just sustain me for the next three months.

12 weeks, 12 pounds...

2008-08-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that 12 weeks and/or 12 pounds is the key to your baby sleeping through the night. Well, Zeke is now 12 weeks plus, and he's edging up to 13 pounds. And no, he's not sleeping through the night. I'm not sure where these baby myths come from, and I would say they're evil except that the *idea* that he may sleep through the night at 12 weeks/12 pounds gave me a bit of hope when he was, say, 10 weeks and 10 pounds.

I will say that nap time has gotten a lot better recently. More than once, he's yawned a few times, we've swaddled him, put him down in his crib or co-sleeper (trying to put him in the crib more often to get him used to it - though he looks so tiny in that huge bed), and he's asleep within minutes - for at least a half hour, often longer. No crying or complaining. He even seems to welcome it. And he still sleeps well in the car or stroller, though it can be tough if he doesn't get a long enough stretch before we get where we're going. We've definitely circled the block a few times in hopes of extending his car naps.

Evenings are still a challenge. We've played around with the time we put him to bed (still between 7-8pm) - hoping that if we wait a little later he'll fall asleep a little faster, to no avail. I don't understand why he fights sleeping at night when daytime naps are so pleasant for him. We try really hard to keep the time before bed very calm and quiet - a nice warm bath, a song or two, some bouncing... and he still writhes and fusses and cries for at least 30 minutes (sometimes an hour) before he'll finally fall asleep. It's exhausting for us and I'm fresh out of ideas to make it better. We've tried a pacifier. We've tried putting him in the co-sleeper drowsy, but not asleep. We've tried shushing. We've tried patting and rocking. The swaddle is a given. The only thing that really works right now is time. And honestly, after 8pm, I want some time to myself - ideally a little bit of time where I'm not sweating and frazzled from trying to calm a crazy little monkey named Z.

Once he's asleep, we still get a good 4-5 hours before he wakes up for his first night feeding. He's up between 12 and 1am, and then, on a good night, he'll sleep again until 4:30am or so. This would be fine if he ate and went back to sleep one more time. But recently, this 4:30am waking turns into nursing followed by a couple hours of writhing and grunting and complaining and lifting his legs up and slamming them into the mattress WWE wrestler style. I can only imagine that he has terrible gas pains, and again, I have no idea what to do about it. I try to burp him and lift his little legs in the air to help him out. I rub his belly. Sometimes he'll go back to sleep in my arms - holding him upright seems to help. But at 4:30am, this is not ideal.

Sometimes Dave will take him into the living room at 5:30 or 6 am and get him back to sleep in the swing for another couple hours while I catch up on some sleep myself, but again, not ideal. And once Dave starts school again (next week), this is really not going to work since he leaves around 6:30am and I can't hear Z in the living room if I'm sleeping in the bedroom. Either I'm going to have to learn to go to sleep at a more reasonable hour (instead of 11pm-12am like I've been doing recently) or we're going to have to find a way to get Z back to sleep in the co-sleeper in the early AM.

A lot of things will have to change once Dave goes back to school. I'm nervous about it, especially since I have my own work to do now and it's been really hard to find time to do it when Dave is here. I've thought about a nanny share a couple afternoons a week, but the thought of giving Z up to a stranger for any amount of time at this point makes my heart hurt. Lots to think about as he reaches the 3 month mark.

11 weeks - first baseball game

2008-07-30T22:50:00.001-07:00

We took Zeke to his first A's game today - and you know what? He seemed to really like it! I was completely prepared to leave after just a couple innings with the little guy crying hysterically. But after sleeping through the first few innings, he woke up and actually seemed interested in the game - or at least in the sights, sounds, and smells of the Coliseum.

We had him in the Bjorn for awhile, then I actually managed to breast feed him. (I now know I can breast feed anywhere.) He spent a good long time after that just sitting in our laps taking it all in. He didn't cry, he didn't fuss - he just sat there - looking a little spaced out, but awake - for almost the whole game. We ate sausages, drank beer, sang take me out to the ball game. (My friend Tam took a video of our first family 7th inning stretch and posted it here.) We did pretty much everything we used to do at the game - except watch the game. It was so much more fun to watch Z :-)

We even stayed into extra innings - here's all three of us with our rally hats in the bottom of the 10th. Unfortunately, the A's couldn't pull out a win for Zekey's first game, but I know there will be many, many more.

Other 11 week happenings:

The Swing: The swing doesn't seem to work anymore for long naps. I don't know if he's tired of it or if he's just too interested in everything else going on in the living room, but he won't sleep for more than 30-45 minutes and we used to get two hours. He also doesn't like the super high setting anymore - prefers a more mellow pace. (In positive nap news, I noticed he was starting to get fussy and tired the other day so I swaddled him and before I could even start bouncing, he passed out. Slept for 45 minutes in his co-sleeper. Why can't every nap be like that?)

Little Grabbers: He's reaching and grabbing for everything - the toys on the gymini, the buckle of his car seat, my glasses, hair, nose. It still doesn't seem entirely intentional - he kind of reaches out randomly and hopes to land on something good. And if he does, he holds on for dear life - grunting in concentration. And if we come over to see what he's doing, he smiles up at us with his infectious grin. Ridiculous.

Late Afternoon Sing-A-Longs: We've found a new fun way to curb the late afternoon grumpiness - sing-a-longs! We bought a used Dutailier rocker off craigslist and I unburied an old Children's Songbook I've had since I was a kid. We've found that we can entertain little Z for up to 30 minutes, rocking and singing with him in my lap. I was even inspired to bust out the guitar while Dave was holding him, and Zekey was totally fascinated - even though I don't remember how to play a single chord. (Add that to the to do list.)

As Z approaches that magical three month mark, I'm realizing it's not so much about him changing overnight and becoming an easier baby. He is who he is. But I do feel like things are gradually getting easier - partly because he's learning how to cope with he world better, and partly because we're learning how to cope with him better. He definitely cries less, but I don't know if that's because he just cries less or because we've learned to head off the tears before they happen. In any case, I can honestly say that while we still have difficult moments every day, this is actually getting kind of fun. I hope Zekey feels the same way.

our problem child

2008-07-29T13:02:00.001-07:00

No - it's not Zekey. It's our elder child - our 10-year-old green cheeked conure, Amelia. I've heard lots of stories of pets being pretty significantly thrown when a baby is introduced to the family. And I fully believe that birds are just as demanding of their owners' time and attention as cats or dogs (if not more so). But I didn't expect our feathered trouble-maker to be quite so affected by the arrival of little Z.

We don't clip Amelia's wings, so she pretty much has full reign over the house. She formerly kept to her few favorite places: her cage, the large metal picture frame over the couch, and the top of the blinds leading out to the porch. She caused minimal damage in these spots and the poop was manageable. (poop is not something we've had to get used to with Z - we were well versed in it long before he arrived.) Now that Zekey's here however, and we are pretty focused on someone other than the bird, Amelia has expanded her territory to get herself noticed.

She now lands on whatever surface is closest to where we are, and she watches everything we do. If there's nothing convenient for her to land on, she does these low "fly-bys" which are kind of startling, especially to anyone who's not used to having a bird around - which is most people. Guests beware. We actually couldn't find her the other day... finally heard her gnawing away at something and discovered her in between the slats of our living room blinds.

She's started destroying pretty much anything she can get her beak on. She chews a wooden picture frame hanging over my desk, and when we chase her off of there she nests herself in a tissue box below the frame and rips up every tissue in the box. She grabs other things off the desk too - pens and pencils, computer cables, phones, money, calculators, Dave's physics homework...

And if anyone in the house has food? Forget it. She's all over it. We're used to her sharing our cereal, pasta, rice, and chips and salsa. But now she dives into whatever we're eating - lands on the edge of the bowl, plate, cup - and helps herself. She almost landed on the stove the other day.

The good news is that she hasn't actually tried to attack Zeke. She seems pretty afraid of him - and flies away whenever I try to introduce them. Zeke doesn't really seem to notice Amelia - which is probably for the best at the moment. Dave and I both fear the day when he becomes aware of the bird and wants to pet her. She will bite him and it won't be pretty. But for now, we try to remember to give the bird as much love as possible and hope that we don't lose our entire security deposit on things the bird has destroyed around the house.

PS: The turtles and fish seem to be adjusting just fine.

10 weeks - first shots

2008-07-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

Z had his 2 month pediatrician appointment this week and he's nearly doubled his weight since birth. He's now 11.4 pounds and 24 inches long - actually a little less than average according to percentiles, but pretty impressive to us. He also had to get his first shots. A lot of folks question vaccinations for infants these days (pointing to possible links to autism, etc.), but everyone we know who has done the research has ultimately gone with their pediatrician's recommendation - so we just went for it. But it wasn't fun for any of us.

There were six vaccines total - 5 combined in 3 shots, and one oral. Zekey handled the oral one pretty well - took it down in 3 quick gulps. And then, before he had a chance to realize what was going on, three stabs in the thigh. Poor guy opened his mouth in a silent scream, his whole body turned bright red, and then he let out an awful wail. I teared up in sympathy and swept him out of there as fast as I could. (I prefer to think of myself as the person who saved him from the evil shot lady rather than the person who brought him there in the first place.)

Once outside, he cried hard for a few minutes (complete with little breathy gasps and sobs) and then fell into a deep sleep for the next few hours, just like after his bris. He woke up in a pretty good mood so we thought we were in the clear, but he freaked out again when we tried to put him to bed that night. I wanted to avoid putting anymore foreign fluids in his system if we could, but he just was so upset and we thought he might be in pain, so we gave him some baby tylenol and he eventually fell asleep. And he was totally fine the next day. We were all very happy to have that over with. Next shots happen at four months.

In other ten week news, Z has really started reaching for things and occasionally grabbing and pulling. It's so cute to watch his great focus as he bats the toys on his gymini over and over again - mesmerized by the power of his own hands. It's amazing really, to be able to witness a person learn and practice a new basic skill like this - I could watch him for hours.

He's also become much more tolerant of tummy time and can spend close to ten minutes lying on his belly or propped up on the boppy - sucking his hands and occasionally squealing and grunting his fascination (or something) with this new angle. He lifts his head and holds it up for a few seconds every once in awhile, and I think he'll have a pretty sturdy neck in a matter of weeks.

Finally, since my last post his sleeping patterns have more or less gone back to normal. He actually had his longest sleep yet recently - a close to 7 hour stretch followed by 4 hours. But the next night he was up every hour and a half, so I think it will still be awhile before we get through the whole night. But I have hope.

I was kinda tired before

2008-07-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been handling the lack of regular sleep pretty darn well since Zeke came along. Granted, I haven't had the best attention span and I have snapped at my dear Dave a number of times unnecessarily, but on the whole, I've felt pretty okay. However, Zeke has developed a new habit over the past few nights that is seriously testing my ability to function.

It's always been a little tricky to get Z to sleep at night, but once he was out he would sleep pretty well for most of the night. He would wake up every few hours and we'd change his diaper and feed him, but after that he would pretty much go right back to sleep. But for the past three nights, Z's had other ideas.

First, he wakes up more often in the night - after four hours the first time and then every two hours after that. (It used to be after 5-6 hours and every three hours after that.) When he wakes up, he's super fussy, but while before I could feed him and he would eat really well and calm right down, now he fusses and fights and barely eats and kind of hurts me in the process. After the little he does eat, I try to put him down the way I used to, but now he either immediately starts writhing around and fussing, or he's quiet for about 10 minutes and then he starts complaining (grunting and whining and acting just generally miserable).

If we pick him up and hold him or bounce him, he'll fall back to sleep. But as soon as we put him down he wakes up again. We must have done this 7 or 8 times last night between 11:45pm and 1:30am before I finally just held him until he went into a deep sleep (which every sleep expert will tell you not to do). Then we did it again between 3:45 and 5am, when I actually fell asleep sitting up in bed with him in my arms.

I am at a complete loss for how to handle this, and the thought of having to deal with this night after night makes me want to jump out a window - with a certain small person in tow. My (slight) hope is that because he's not eating very much when he wakes up, maybe he doesn't need to eat and he's just waking up out of habit and this is a step (albeit a frustrating one) towards him sleeping through the night. My fear is that our bouncing him to sleep the first time and letting him sleep so much in the stroller/carrier/swing has finally convinced him that being held and/or in motion is the only way to sleep.

Either way, I feel tired like I have never felt before, and something better change soon or I am truly going to lose my mind.

two months

2008-07-14T21:47:00.000-07:00

My little boy is two months old today. I really can't believe it. And despite all my posts about how fussy he is and how challenging these first two months have been, today I'm overwhelmed with love for the little guy. He's so freakin' cool. And for every time he makes me want to cry, he makes me laugh a dozen more. Happy Birthday, Zekey!

meeting the fam, part 2

2008-07-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to know my great-grandma (Nana) Mary Saul. And Zeke has the privilege of having not one, but three great-grandparents. My Omi and Opa and Uncle Peter came to visit a couple weeks ago to meet the little guy. We're affectionately calling them Gomi and Gopa since the German names for great-grandma and grandpa are too hard to say. Here are some highlights from their visit:

(Aren't they cute in their matching outfits? They swear they didn't plan it. I guess that's what happens when you've been married for 65 years.)

Uncle Josh and soon-to-be Aunt Kate also came to visit a few weeks ago. I can't believe how tiny Zeke looks in these pictures!

things to remember

2008-07-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Here are some things I'd like to appreciate now, and remember later:

tiny little hands - pawing at me like a kitten, resting against my ribs, accidentally brushing my cheek and lips, grasping my finger.
wide blue eyes that stare at me with a desperate need that only I can fill.
the moment he goes from screaming to silence when I pick him up and cuddle him to my chest.
the fuzz on the back of his neck - so kissable.
late night moments of primal hunger when he looks just like a baby monkey :-)
little puss face - bottom lip pushed out like a caricature of sad.
the heavy feeling of his body when he's completely wiped out, draped over my shoulder - one hand on my collar bone and the other hanging across my back.
the contented sound he makes when he's eating calmly - a sigh with his mouth full.
his serene and slightly surprised look when he gets in the tub.
the rare but amazing times when Z wakes up from a nap, looks up at me, and smiles.
extreme stretching: arms over head, back arched, butt out.
butterfly kisses, and the "aw mom" look he gives me afterwards.
tiny little body - my hand covers his entire back from shoulders to hips.
pucker face - tiny pursed lips, no chin, all eyes.
fast asleep in a carrier, warm and completely relaxed against my body.
goofy, gummy smiles.
the feeling that this little creature truly loves and needs us, for food, for comfort, for everything. Amazing.

8 weeks and counting

2008-07-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

Zeke turned 8 weeks old today and I'm trying very hard not to count the days until that magical 3 month mark - partly because I know I can't count on a miraculous overnight change, and partly because I really want to enjoy every moment of these first months, as challenging as they are. Back to that in a moment.

Again this week, the major milestones have been mine, not Zeke's. I returned to my yoga class for the first time in almost a year. It was hard, and I really felt the time off (especially in up dog - which put pressure on my chest and belly and reminded me how much strength I've lost in my arms and core), but it felt great. I think I left class about three inches taller, and I felt centered and calm and relaxed in a way I haven't felt since the boy came along. It also gave me a sense of normalcy that I haven't felt in awhile - a feeling that I may actually get my life back (improved with Z of course) at some point in the not-so-distant future.

I also took an afternoon off from the boy and went shopping with Aunt Sarah. I'm not a big shopper, but it felt great to be out and about with a friend - not worrying about how long before Z will need to eat or sleep or get changed. We were gone a good three hours, and it felt good to miss him.

Zeke is growing like crazy. He's well over 10 pounds now and his arms and legs are getting nice and pudgy. His little legs are all stretched out. In fact, I almost forgot how curled up he was for the first few weeks. His baby acne has cleared and his hair is a sometimes blond sometimes brown fuzz covering his whole head. When he's happy, he smiles like crazy and makes the most adorable sounds - cooing and squealing and caterwauling. Sometimes he sings with me. We think he's starting to reach for things, but it's a little hard to tell yet if it's on purpose or just a happy accident as he flails about.

Z is still super fussy - going from perfectly happy to wailing without much warning. He hates tummy time. Everything we've heard and read says that tummy time is the key to all these other developmental milestones - namely crawling - and we are fighting the desire to just leave him happily on his back all day everyday and let him waste away with no neck or arm strength to speak of - just to save ourselves the hassle. (Only the fact that he gains weight so fast keeps us forcing him into tummy time every day.)

He fights going to sleep each and every time he's tired, but we've discovered the magic of the swing. We put him in it, he passes out within ten minutes (or less), and he can't seem to wake up until we stop it - which I'm usually not guilted into doing for close to two hours. (I am an evil, evil mom.)

So things are still hard, and I'm so looking forward to a time when Z's little nerves aren't so frazzled all the time, when he can enjoy the excitement of the world without getting so overwhelmed. But in the meantime, I'm doing my best to appreciate Z for who he is now.

bedtime

2008-07-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

This post comes with a disclaimer: We fully understand that this routine could likely change tomorrow, and any number of sleep experts could give us any number of reasons why our methods are ruining Zeke's sleep habits for life. However, this method has been working for us for at least two weeks, and considering the relative lack of screaming compared to a month ago, I feel it's important to have some record of the process.

We generally begin the bedtime ritual each night between 7-8pm. (or at first sign that Zeke has reached his limit for the day - yawning, whining, moving his head from side to side, frantic flailing of his arms and legs. We don't wait for all out wailing.)

The first step is to pick him up and snuggle him for a few minutes, slowly and calmly carry him to the back room where it's warm, dim, and quiet. Then it's bath time.

Bath time is another routine where we've made great progress, from this:

to this:

We still haven't gotten an actual smile in the tub, but I'm convinced he thoroughly enjoys himself. Dave sits in the tub with him and keeps him from flopping over while I scrub him with a washcloth. He especially loves the head scrubbing. We pour water over him to rinse him and wrap him in a big fuzzy towel to dry him. (This part of the process needs work - he still cries every time we take him out of the tub.)

I put him on his changing table and finish drying him with a hair dryer which calms him down either because of the soothing sound or because he's so surprised by the quick warm air. I put him in a clean diaper, and recently, I've been giving him a massage before putting him in his pajamas. (I've been winging it so far, but there's a free baby massage class in Berkeley that I plan to check out. Zeke really seems to love the rubbing - especially on his little feet :-)

I carry Zeke, all warm and clean, into the bedroom and we walk and rock and I sing him a song or two. His current favorites are Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Tender Shepard. (I know they're his favorites because the others I've tried all make him cry.) Then, the key to the bedtime ritual - the swaddle. We wrap him as tightly as possible in a light blanket - arms secured to his sides - like a little burrito. Then we bounce.

Dave and I both use some of the techniques recommended by the Happiest Baby on the Block guy - the swaddling, the shushing, and the side-to-side motion of the bouncing - making sure we hold Zeke gently enough to let his head jiggle. But Z doesn't seem to like side lying very much, so Dave holds him cradled in his arms horizontally and I hold him upright with his head by my left shoulder. (I feel like he smells milk if I hold him horizontally, which makes him a little crazy even when he's well fed. We try to make sure he's eaten before we begin the bedtime routine - trying to keep nursing separate from sleeping. But I will fed him to calm him if he's still crying after the bath, swaddling, and bouncing which is rare.)

We both bounce him until his eyes start to close - usually between 5-20 minutes depending on the night. Then we gently place him in the co-sleeper and walk away. About 2 seconds later, he starts to cry. And this is when we still get a bit of screaming. I realize this may change, but for now it seems like he needs at least a few minutes of screaming to get to sleep - like it's a kind of stress or energy release for him. We don't let him cry it out, and he pretty much stops crying as soon as we pick him up. We go through this cycle over and over again - bouncing and putting him down again each time until he tuckers himself out and ultimately falls asleep.

Sometimes we have to pick him up ten or more times, but sometimes it's only two or three, and in any case, the whole process (from bath to sleep) doesn't usually take more than an hour or two. And once he's asleep, he stays asleep for about 5 hours. This is by far his longest stretch of sleep, and since it starts so early we don't really benefit from the hours of uninterrupted sleep ourselves. But it does give us a few hours to ourselves in the evening - to eat dinner, watch TV, read, whatever. It's really, really nice.

Again - I recognize this may not last very long, and that we may be encouraging some bad habits in the little guy (like the bouncing to sleep). But this process is so much better than the four hours of screaming we were dealing with before. I'm willing to accept the potential consequences.

PS: The only problem with this process right now is that we couldn't possibly take him out at night - something we thought we might do with him at this early age. But maybe it's for the best not to fool ourselves into thinking we have lives after 7pm.

what a beauty

2008-07-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

Where did this creature come from?

celebrating (loss of) independence day

2008-07-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

It's the 4th of July - not a holiday I feel especially strongly about, but definitely one we've taken advantage of in the past to do celebratory kinds of things. This year, obviously, we have to change it up a bit.

We'd go to a baseball game, but 3+ hours in the sun and/or wind and/or uncomfortable chairs with Z would not be a good idea for any of us. And while breastfeeding in most public places is totally okay with me, it seems a bit inappropriate at the Coliseum.

We'd go for a hike, but we still haven't managed to figure out a carrier that works best for longer than an hour or so, and the stroller won't do well on an unpaved trail. And I'm so out of shape from the surgery (not to mention the 9 months before that), I don't think I'd last more than a couple miles.

We check out some fireworks, but Z would freak out on any number of levels (loud noises, lots of people, strange places, night time...)

So instead, this year, to celebrate Loss of Independence Day, we strapped a camera to the baby's head to see what the world looks like from his perspective. Here are some highlights:

If I were Zeke I'd cry a lot too.

Tonight I think I'll drink a single beer and go to bed at 8pm.

PS: Zeke celebrated today by sucking himself a giant arm hickey. My nipples are using this picture as a public service message. Yikes.

7 weeks - the boy smiles

2008-07-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

I so wanted this post to be an overwhelmingly positive tale of how Zeke smiled for the first time and my heart melted and everything got better after that. He did smile for the first time, and my heart did melt. But it's not yet getting much easier.

Some days are really good. Yesterday for example, he slept until 9am - allowing me time to shower, get dressed, and make tea before he even woke up. Then he had a relatively cheery day and went right to sleep at 8pm. Today, he woke up at 7am and fussed on and off for the entire day. It was exhausting.

So the 7 week summary is like this. We're getting to know each other. We're finding out that we have a touchy boy on our hands. If we over-stimulate him or push him too far (not hard to do) he falls apart - fussing and fighting and complaining for hours on end. If we handle him carefully - timing things just right - he rewards us with long periods of cooing and grinning that make us forget the hours of frustration and exhaustion. He is unbelievably adorable when he smiles - this stupid, crooked, goofy grin that lights up his whole face. That combined with his deep blue eyes and his little blond crew cut (growing back nicely) really do make the rest of it seem manageable - until evening comes and the fussing starts again.

PS: We have found a way to improve Z's evening routine to limit the crying some. Around 7pm every night we give Z a bath - which he loves. We put him in pajamas, have some quiet bouncing time in the darkened bedroom, and put him to sleep - generally by 8pm. He still cries for awhile, but it's much better than it was before. We're learning. Slowly.

6 weeks - half way there

2008-06-25T21:11:00.001-07:00

Z is six weeks old today, and to celebrate this mini-milestone, he treated us to an all out fit of hysteria for most of the afternoon and evening. Now, I certainly don't believe that in another six weeks, when Z hits three months, he will miraculously turn into an easy baby. But I have to hope that we are at least at the halfway point of what we've been told is the hardest part of this experience.

In the interest of staying positive, I will add that we gave Zeke a bottle for the first time today and he took it without a single complaint. This is very good news for him and me, as I have a date to go out with some girlfriends next week. I am really, REALLY looking forward to that (along with a couple glasses of wine...)

you will not cry until I finish peeling this egg

2008-06-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

My reasoning with the baby via my hard-boiled egg this afternoon is just one of the many signs that we are fighting a losing battle. I was all alone with Zeke for the first time this morning (Dave has class from 8-11am through July) and I swear, that little boy knew it and decided to test me.

I have a vague memory of Dave putting Z in bed with me and leaving for class, and the next thing I remember is Zeke kicking me awake, fussing and threatening to cry. I was totally disoriented and while I tried to gather myself and keep him from a complete meltdown, he somehow managed to poop outside of his diaper. I got him to the changing table and while trying to undress him, I managed to get poop along his entire back and in his hair. Then - cue the circus music - he peed on me. Twenty minutes later I finally had us both excrement-free. (This includes five minutes where I left him strapped to the changing table so I could brush my teeth and get dressed. I know this was a reasonable thing to do under the circumstances, and he loves his changing table, but I still felt guilty.)

I just got a kangaroo carrier and I had visions of putting Z in it so I could make breakfast and get a few things done around the house, but as soon as I put him in it he started fussing. Scratch breakfast. I zoned out on the couch while I fed Z and made some mental notes about the things I would get done later. Ha.

I somehow got Z into his stroller with minimal drama and made it (on time!) to meet some other new moms for a walk around the lake. This was great, actually, and Z slept the entire time. (He didn't even noticed when I spilled tea all over his stroller and blanket.) Dave was back when I got home and I looked forward to a relatively relaxing and possibly productive afternoon. (I have an ever growing pile of stuff to deal with including some bills that should probably be paid soon.) But once again, Z had other ideas.

We had a normal post-nap feeding followed by some very nice play time which is generally followed by another nap. It's now about six hours later and we have yet to get him to sleep for more than 15 minutes - which makes for a very, very cranky baby (and some cranky parents as well - parents who give ultimatums to hard-boiled eggs).

We've read that a six-week growth spurt could be the cause of this lack of sleeping and extra fussiness. And he has seemed hungrier than normal though it's hard to believe he's actually getting any more food from me at this point - I feel pretty empty. But I have to trust that somehow my body will give Zeke what he needs, and that this phase too will pass.

PS: My mom has been gone two days and already the apartment is a mess and we're eating chocolate covered pretzels for dinner. And the bird is totally rebelling and chewed on Dave's $100 physics textbook that he's hoping to return when he gets a cheaper copy from Amazon. And we've lost one of our phones.

thank you, Omi

2008-06-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

My mom left today, after three weeks of cooking, cleaning, rocking, diaper changing, laundering, organizing, reorganizing, addressing thank you note envelopes, and just generally taking care of me, Dave, and Zeke in every possible way. I, especially, am not so easy to take care of (resistant to every suggestion) and these were not easy weeks. But she was eternally patient - even on the day I wouldn't come out of my room and screamed at her when she tried to comfort me.

In these three weeks, she's witnessed some of Zeke's most miraculous changes. He's gained almost 2 pounds and grown nearly 2 inches. His little belly is expanding and he's getting chubby dimples in his arms and thighs. When she arrived, Z was barely opening his eyes. Now, he's spending a number of hours each day wide-eyed, starting to connect with the people around him. He's starting to enjoy bath time. And he's just beginning to smile and coo.

My mom is an adoring Omi, clearly in love with our little guy. And Zeke clearly loves her too - her gentle touch and soothing voice, her ability to hold him for hours without getting tired.

While we're happy to have some time to ourselves before the next guests arrive, I, for one, am feeling a little lost without her presence. We all are so grateful, and look forward to the next visit.

3am, eating cantaloupe

2008-06-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

It's hot here. Really, really hot. And since it so rarely gets this hot in the Bay Area, no one has air conditioning. Or a fan. Or any way to deal with the heat except to sit and roast. In the past, I've been grateful for days like this when we can pretend we live in a place with a real summer. And Dave and I can take a rare evening walk along the lake without bundling up in sweaters and scarves. But with Zekey in our lives, all is changed.

He actually went to bed very nicely at 8:30pm - no screaming, hardly any fussing. And even though I know I should have gone to bed early, instead I took the opportunity to eat a leisurely dinner, take a long shower, do some much needed preening, and read for awhile. And of course, about five minutes after I finally fell asleep, the little guy woke up, around 12:30am. Fine. I sort of expected that. Generally, when Z wakes up in the night, Dave changes his diaper, I feed him, and he goes back to sleep relatively quickly. The whole process takes about an hour.

Not so last night. Dave changed his diaper and had to change his clothes as well since he was wet - either from pee or sweat - we're not sure. He brought Zeke back into bed with eyes wide open, wriggling around like a lunatic. He ate like he's never had the boob before - tearing and gnawing at me, arms and legs flailing. This was not entirely comfortable (plus I was sweating like crazy with that little furnace next to my skin), so as soon as I thought he was done, I took him off and put him back in the co-sleeper. (If I didn't take him off he would just hang there for who knows how long.) Now the fun begins.

Little dude would not go back to sleep. For three hours, Dave and I took turns walking him, bouncing him, shushing him, feeding him, rocking him, swaddling him, unswaddling him, changing him, feeding him again. By 3am I was completely exhausted and wide awake at the same time. And I was starving. And it was still so hot. Not knowing what else to do, I plunked a still crying little Z on the bed (not hard enough to do him any harm but harder than I should have), went to the kitchen, and ate a cantaloupe.

I'm not quite sure what happened after that. Presumably either Dave or I finally got Z to sleep and we also slept until he woke again at 5:45am. Now, I understand there will be nights like this, but what I would like to know is whether it was the heat, or whether this is a lovely new pattern we're trying out for awhile. If it's the latter, I'm going to have to stock up on late night snacks.

zeke at 5 weeks (and the state of my wardrobe)

2008-06-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

Zeke had his one month pediatrician appointment today (even though he's now 5 weeks) and he's doing great. Despite my breastfeeding concerns, he's gaining lots of weight and now weights 9 pounds 2 ounces. That means he's gaining over an ounce a day which is pretty incredible. He's also grown over two inches in length and his head has grown by a few centimeters. (Go little brain, go!) He has a little bit of diaper rash and lots of baby acne, but it's all normal and should go away with time and a little bit of extra care in the diaper region.

Z gave the doctor a lovely demonstration of his incredible screaming abilities after being naked for just a bit too long, and she assured us that even that was normal. (She did call his nightly screaming "baby colic" which peaked my fears of having a colicky baby, but so far tonight he's slept right through his regular fussy time and from what I've heard about other colicky babies, what we're dealing with is nothing.)

I haven't had myself weighed or measured since my last midwife appointment about 3 weeks ago, but I can say that my body is a bit out of whack. It didn't really occur to me that I could get away with just a few maternity clothes, but that I would need a whole new wardrobe for my postpartum figure. I gained 30 pounds when I was pregnant, and I know I've lost at least half of that already. But my regular clothes definitely don't fit and my maternity clothes are sagging. (Not to mention I'm sick to death of them.) I got a waist expander belt thingy so I can at least pretend to wear some of my regular pants, but they don't make such a thing for tops and I can't see how I'm ever going to be able to squeeze these giant bosoms into my regular clothes. I guess I'll be making another trip to Old Navy to buy some cheap and expendable giant shirts.

small miracles

2008-06-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

After two of the hardest days of Zeke's (and my) life (one of which I didn't get out of bed for the entire day and was seriously thinking about giving Z to my parents), the little guy had a miracle sleep last night. After we finally got him to bed at 9:30pm, he slept soundly until 3am. This allowed Dave and I to watch two full episodes of Weeds and get a few solid hours of sleep. Then Z slept again from 4-7am. This was fantastic except that I was so stunned that he slept for so long, I was worried that something was wrong and I had a really hard time falling back to sleep myself... I kept staring at his tiny chest to make sure he was still breathing. Still, I'm very thankful for a very good night.

baby whispering

2008-06-17T14:57:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading Secrets of the Baby Whisperer and I'm confused. Part of me thinks her ideas are totally genius, and part of me thinks it's complete crap. Here's the basic idea:

All babies give visual and verbal cues as to how they're feeling and what they need - when they're hungry, gassy, tired, overtired, etc.. You learn to read these signs and then give your baby what he/she needs at the appropriate time. Genius! I've found that the cues are right on, and being aware of them has made me feel more attuned to what Zekey needs and when. For example, what we've been referring to as "crazy eyes" actually means "I'm over-stimulated" which explains why crazy eyes generally leads to hysterical crying. So she suggests heading off the crying by responding to crazy eyes early and bringing him to a darkened room and putting him down for a nap. Fine. Good.

Except that Zekey doesn't like to be put down for a nap. With all the guests in town, Z has been held and rocked to sleep for more than half his young life, and according to the Baby Whisperer, we've already trained him to not be able to sleep any other way. And it's true, getting him into his co-sleeper has been a major challenge recently. The author says these bad habits start now (in early infancy) and continue for months and months, and that the way to create good habits is to put them on a three hour routine she calls E.A.S.Y. - Eat. Activity. Sleep. You. (The You part is baffling to me I've been miserable since trying to get into this routine. Or it might just be the lack of sleep finally catching up with me.)

I actually really like the Eat followed by Activity part. According to the book (and other sources) babies generally need to eat about every 2.5 to 3 hours (unless they're going through a growth spurt or other developmental milestone (teething, etc.)). So if they're acting fussy and you know you just fed them an hour earlier, you can be pretty sure they're not hungry again. More likely they're tired or over-stimulated and you can act accordingly. Also, if you always follow Eating with a period of Activity, you separate eating from sleeping so your baby doesn't learn to depend on nursing to fall asleep.

In my two days of experimenting with this, I've found that Zeke eats really well on a 2.5 to 3 hours routine. He doesn't fall asleep on the boob since he's generally slept before he eats, and he has a good 15-2o minutes of very happy and alert "play time" after his meal. But once he starts showing signs of tired or over-stimulated, everything falls apart. If I follow the book's recommendation and try to head off the crying by putting him to sleep in his co-sleeper, he goes nuts. If someone holds him and rocks him and cuddles him, he happily drifts right off, but the second you put him down, he wakes up. This is totally fine when there are at least 3 other people here to hold him for an hour or more while he naps, but this is not going to work when it's just me. The book says if you have your baby nap in a sling or other carrier, he will develop similar bad sleep habits and months from now you'll find yourself carrying around a 15-20 pound baby. Great.

I like when he sleeps on me or next to me in the moby, and it seems sad (and impractical) to give that up. It's ridiculous to me that a one month old baby could have a bad habit already, but the Baby Whisperer makes pretty good argument for "starting the way you intend to go on" - meaning if you want to have baby nap time to yourself in the long run, teach baby to sleep on his own NOW. Which brings us back to hours of crying while we try to get Z to sleep. (Note - we are not letting him cry it out. According to the book you pick him up every time he starts to cry and put him down as soon as he's calm again. You do this over and over and over again until he finally falls asleep. It's exhausting.)

So here's what I'm thinking. Screw the Baby Whisperer for daytime naps. Keep with the basic Eat Activity Sleep routine, but let him sleep wherever is comfortable and practical for both of us. Night time is a completely different story which I'll save for another post. Suffice to say I'm handling the late night feedings and general lack of sleep much better than I'm handling the hours from 6-10pm when the screaming happens. Wow.

PS: We just got the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD which will likely make me completely forget about the Baby Whisperer.

PPS: Is it really true that this gets easier after 3 months? Really?

things I worry about while breastfeeding

2008-06-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

In no particular order:

am I doing this right?
is he actually getting any milk?
will he ever let go?
is he awake?
can he breathe?
is he too hot?
is he too cold?
will I ever get off of this couch?
will I spill hot tea on him?
will I ever get to sleep?
am I becoming a hunchback?
will I learn to tpye faaster wiyh one hand (and with fewer typos)
is he choking?
will I spill my breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack on him?
will I drop my water bottle on his head?
will he ever grow his hair back?
will my boobs ever return to a normal size?
why is this taking so long?
is he done already?
why does this side hurt so much?
are his nails too long?
when was the last time we gave him a bath?
when was the last time I took a bath?
will that chocolate/tea/spicy food/ice cream/salad/wine I just ate/drank make him fussy/hyper/sleepy/gassy/allergic/drunk?
is his arm falling asleep?
is my arm falling asleep?
does he need a diaper change?
ouch! can I take this anymore?
is his head a normal size?
will I ever have time to write thank you notes?
will he stay asleep after this?
will I fall asleep after this?
will he roll off the bed/couch if I fall asleep before he's done?
am I really doing this right?

zeke at 4 weeks

2008-06-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

The babe is 4 weeks today, and most of the milestones this week have been mine and Dave's, not Z's. We put him in the co-sleeper for the first time. Until this point he's been sleeping in our full-sized bed - a bit cramped for three. So while he usually ends up in bed with us eventually anyway, he does now start his evening in the co-sleeper beside us.

We also put him in the stroller for the first time this week. Generally I like to have him snuggled up next to me in the moby when we walk, but it's been so hot here that I thought we could both use some space. He fusses a little bit getting into it, but once we're moving he falls right to sleep. And I have to admit I like the freedom of walking with him unencumbered. I can imagine returning to my daily walk around the lake with him in the stroller - a nice feeling of eventually returning to some kind of routine.

Zeke went to his first bookclub meeting this week. I nearly drove him there by myself (another first) but when Dave had to spend five minutes reminding me to be a safe driver even if Z is screaming his head off, and I realized that I had visions of trying to comfort him (including breastfeeding) while I was driving, I realized that I was not quite ready to go it alone. So at the last minute I begged Aunt Sarah to join us. We'll try a solo drive during week five.

I was separated from Z for over an hour while I got my hair done this week and I did not freak out-though I missed him terribly. That's progress. (Zeke thanked me for the time apart by somehow bypassing his diaper and pooping all over me in front of the hairdresser. Another first.)

Zeke and I went to our first mom's group gathering at Cedar Rose Park with Ruby (7 weeks) and mom Janet, and Omri (9 weeks) and mom Rachel. It was really fun to laugh about how challenging daily tasks have become and get some tips on how to manage better. (Right now, the difference between 4 and 7 or 9 weeks feels like an eternity... those moms seem so much more experienced than me!) I definitely plan to make the mom's group another part of the weekly routine.

I nearly managed a whole morning routine unassisted including teeth brushing, shower, contacts, and getting dressed and I nearly made it through breakfast when the phone rang as I was trying to pour granola into my yogurt while holding Z at the same time. I suppose that would have been a time to not answer the phone, but I panicked and handed off Z to his Omi for a few minutes.

For Z's part, he's making great progress holding his head up and he's definitely growing though we won't get another official measurement until next week. He's got some male-patterned baldness and baby acne going on that somehow don't make him any less cute. (It helps that he's become even more expressive and alert over the past week and while I can't yet be completely sure, he's showing definite signs of at least one, maybe two dimples when he smiles.)

While I look forward to a time when I have a bit more of a fixed schedule, when I get a bit more consistent sleep, and when it doesn't feel like I have to learn to do ordinary tasks all over again, all in all it was a pretty good week.

family resemblance

2008-06-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Mia - January 1975 - 2 weeks
Zeke - May 2008 - 3 weeks

Oh dear. I knew That crazy-eyed look came from my side.

birthday facts

2008-06-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Zeke is a Taurus - like my mom and my good friends Mauricio and Dan. He was born in the year of the Rat. Sadly, the president of the United States is George W. Bush who will soon be replaced by Senator Barack Obama (we hope).

On May 14, 2008, the bay area was in the middle of a heat wave - close to 100 degrees in some parts. The spacecraft Phoenix was on its way to the north pole of Mars to look for signs of ice. Central China was recovering from a major earthquake. Gas prices were reaching all time highs of over $4.00/gallon. Our favorite TV shows were The Daily Show, Top Chef, and House, the California Supreme Court was two days from legalizing gay marriage, and the A's were in second place in the west behind the Angels. I think that covers the basics.

Z shares his birthday with these famous folks (in pretty good company, I think):

Cate Blanchett
Tim Roth
David Byrne
Stevie Wonder
Robert Zemeckis
Peter Gabriel
George Lucas
Bobby Darin
Joe Louis
Gabriel Fahrenheit

Here's a summary of Z's birthday astrology:

Tauruses born on May 14 have extraordinary artistic vision and can do great things if left to their own devices. These complicated individuals are torn between the intellectual life they are drawn to and the active life they want to pursue. They don't know the meaning of the word "compromise."

Friends and Lovers
May 14 individuals seek out friends who provide emotional and intellectual support. In love, they have a restless nature that requires stimulation.

Children and Family
Due to their highly competitive nature, May 14 individuals owe a great deal of their success to their family background. They may have had parents who fostered a sense of competition. As parents, they dislike being an authority figure because it puts pressure on them to adopt a serious persona. They usually have better relationships with their children when the kids grow up.

Health
Happily, people born on May 14 are busy and active, so they don't have to worry about keeping off the pounds. It is important that they get plenty of sleep. Tapes of music played over ocean sounds create a peaceful atmosphere for sleep.

Career and Finances
May 14 natives have many talents and can pick from several interests including communications, media, and the arts. The financial ups and downs of these individuals are often caused because they delegate these matters to people who are either less knowledgeable or less scrupulous than they should be.

Dreams and Goals
May 14 individuals value their own assessment of personal achievement and the approval of respected colleagues. They are self-critical and may not be able to appreciate their achievements. Until they learn that external validation is not the true measure of their success, they may feel unsatisfied by their efforts.

Here's a summary of the Chinese rat:

Though the Western rat is reviled as little more than a bottom-dwelling disease carrier, this animal is viewed much differently in the East. The Eastern rat is revered for its quick wits and its ability to accrue and hold on to items of value; rats are considered a symbol of good luck and wealth in both China and Japan. Clever and quick-witted, the Rat of the Chinese Zodiac is utterly disarming to boot. Possessed of excellent taste, this Sign flaunts its style at every turn. Its natural charm and sharp, funny demeanor make it an appealing friend for almost anyone. The Rat likes to know who is on its side and will treat its most loyal friends with an extra measure of protection and generosity.

Behind that sweet smile, though, Rats are keen and unapologetic promoters of their own agendas. This Sign is motivated by its own interests, which often include money; greed can become a problem if the Rat isn't careful to keep its priorities straight. This Sign's natural powers of charm and persuasion can definitely come in handy! Although they are often hoarders, Rats can be very generous to those in their pack, namely friends and family members who have proven their loyalty. Others might perceive them as quick-tempered and sharp-tongued, but never boorish. Verbal jousting is a great pleasure for the Rat, a Sign that everyone around will quickly learn either to love or to hate.

Rats enjoy being on the outside looking in, as the outside affords a view into the inner workings of a system or situation. The Rat's keen mind always seeks out new knowledge, to be stored away for future use. This ever-curious Sign also welcomes challenges as a way to stay sharp. If boredom sets in the Rat is no fun at all, but that isn't likely; this Sign knows how to keep itself entertained.

A valuable lesson for Rats is to learn to consider others above themselves, at least sometimes. If they can develop their sense of self and realize it leaves room for others in their life as well, Rats could find true happiness.

3 weeks with zeke

2008-06-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

Zeke is three weeks old today and he's turning into quite the charming little guy. He's already changed so much - he spends much more time wide awake, taking it all in. His eyes are turning a lovely shade of dark blue and he has the prettiest eyelashes. His peach fuzz blond hair is just a bit longer in the back and his little legs are slowly starting to uncurl.

He's definitely asserting his personality much more as well. He has long stretches of quiet alert time during the day, and a long fussy period in the evening where he seems to want to open his mouth and tell us exactly what he needs, but he gets even more frustrated when all that comes out is a loud, assertive "wah!" He's mostly comforted by sucking, but when mom just can't stand it anymore, he can occasionally be appeased by bouncing on the exercise ball, going for walks by the lake, and lying on his changing table listening to the hair dryer. (Speaking of his changing table, he has believably loud and explosive poos that rival his dad's and scare the bird. Amazing.)

He loves to stare at our Cosby sweater couch pillows and the checkerboard ears of the stuffed dog toy from Dave's cousin Alysia. He does tummy time every day and seems to have amazing neck strength for such a little guy. It's hard to say if 3 times makes a pattern, but he tends to sleep for 4-6 hours between 12 and 6am and dozes on and off the rest of the day. Not bad for a newborn.

Dave and I are tired of course, and the long fussy periods are hard, but when he wakes up from a nap and spends the next 5 minutes stretching his little limbs and staring up at us with these bright, clear eyes, I could just die with love for him. And I could stare at him for hours when he's so peacefully asleep. I think we'll keep him.

meeting the fam

2008-06-02T13:30:00.001-07:00

Nana and Grandpa Woulfin visiting from New Jersey.

Omi and Opa Lobel in town from New York.

Uncle Jeff and Aunt Sarah visiting from down the street.

Aunt Sara makes the trip up from LA to help us all get through Z's bris.

Aunt Laura, with a perfectly timed teachers' conference, visits from New York.

the name

2008-05-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

First - the easy part. Lobel is my last name. I didn't take Dave's name, and while I'm totally thrilled to have Z be a Woulfin, I want my kid to have both our names. Hyphens get complicated and since we didn't really have any other honorary names in mind, Lobel became the middle name.

There's no great story behind the name Ezekiel. Dave and I really struggled with boy names - looking for something unique but not too out there, and something that would stand up to a name like Woulfin. We like the biblical names - many of which are very popular right now. Ezekiel is one of those names that's somewhat less popular, a bit more unique. It's a name with personality and lots of potential. Ezekiel could be a scholar, an artist or a major league ball player. Zeke is everybody's buddy, a kid with individuality and flair. And Z is just a cool-ass nickname. Interestingly, Zeke was our second choice for a boy's name (and no, we're not sharing our first choice). We waited until the morning after he was born to officially decide on a name, and in that time, Dave and I independently decided that he was a Zeke.

The original Ezekiel was a prophet from the old Testament. In Hebrew, the name is Yechezqel or Yechezkel - meaning "god strengthens" or simply "strength." I don't know much else about Ezekiel the prophet other than something about him having the ability to raise the dead, and some vision he had of a "wheel" which has been interpreted as everything from a early astronomical sighting to a UFO. I'll have to do some more research in time to answer Zeke's questions about his name.

As I learned in my West African dance class at Wesleyan, children in Ghana are named for the day of the week in which they were born. Zeke's Ghanaian soul name is below:

Wednesday: Kuuku, Kwaku, Kweku

Wednesday's child is fully in control of every situation, does not want to be told what to do, knows it all, is spontaneous, vibrant and cordial. Be sure not to cross his or her path though...

This seems about right so far :-)

name that baby

2008-05-28T22:27:00.001-07:00

Dave - April 1975, age 7 days.
Zeke - May 2008, age 3 days.
Do you think there's a family resemblance?

full service mohel and other follow ups

2008-05-28T20:58:00.001-07:00

Zeke is 2 weeks old today - hard to believe he's been with us for two weeks already and that it's only been two weeks - if that makes any sense. It seems like both forever and no time at all.

A few updates to report:

The mohel came to do a follow up visit on Monday to make sure everything's okay with Z's "procedure". I didn't know mohel's did that sort of thing but I'm happy to say that Z is healing well.

Just a bit more about the mohel here... we had no idea what to expect from a Bay Area mohel, and he surprised all of us. He was recommended by the Rabbi who married us - a young, relatively hip (as hip as you can be as a Rabbi anyway), woman about our age. The mohel on the other hand looked like he stepped out of a production of Fiddler on the Roof - big black hat, ZZ top-length grey beard, heavy Jewish accent. The only thing that put him in this place and time was the North Face vest he wore to the follow up visit. In any case, he was kind and patient and easy to talk to, and most importantly, it seems he does good work.

We went to the pediatrician today and Zeke has surpassed his birth weight which means that despite my worries about breastfeeding, he's doing just fine. He was 6 pounds 15 ounces at birth, he lost 10 ounces before we left the hospital, and at two weeks he's up to 7 pounds 5 ounces. Pretty good I think. He head has also grown which I think means he's getting smarter :-)

I had a follow up visit with our midwife and it seems I'm doing okay too. I've finished all my surgery meds and while I'm not pain free, it's certainly much better than it was and getting better every day. My uterus is still swollen and it will be another few weeks before it shrinks down to its normal size. My scar is healing well and it's actually not as scary looking as I initially thought. It's not small - about 6 inches from end to end - but it's very thin. And Lindy said the numbness and rigidity of the area surrounding it will eventually go away. I think my biggest complaint is that I've lost all the muscle tone in my belly so sitting up is more challenging than I would like it to be, but as the pain subsides, I can start exercising again and soon enough I'll have rock solid abs again. (Ha.)

Other than that, we're slowly getting used to taking care of this little guy every day. He's actually been letting us sleep between 3 and 5 hours at a stretch during the night, and while he's getting progressively fussier with time when he's awake, we're gradually figuring out different ways of soothing him. He changes every day, and while it's challenging to keep up with his varying moods and habits, it's also amazing to watch this tiny person grow and develop. Plus - he cracks us up with his amazingly expressive face - finding more ways to show frustration than I thought was possible.

meds

2008-05-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of medication. I will rarely take anything for a cold or headache. I will occasionally take something for allergies, and maybe an alleve for cramps or post yoga soreness, but generally, I prefer to let my body naturally take care of whatever ails it. This does not work for major abdominal surgery.

All the doctors and all the friends who've been through this have told me to stay on top of the pain - keep taking the recommended dosage until I'm completely healed - about six weeks. In the hospital, when I was still hooked up to the IV, nurses would come in every so often and give me my "medicine" - some combination of morphine (just on the first day I think) and Toradol. After two days, they switched me to pills - one super-strength motrin and 1-2 Percoset every 3-4 hours. I could choose how many I wanted, so I generally opted for the lower dose.

I only broke from this pattern once. Once you're off the IV, the nurses won't automatically bring you meds at the allotted time. You have to keep track of the time yourself and call for it when you're ready, especially after a shift change. Before I realized this, I waited about an hour and a half too long to take something. I only made that mistake once.

I left the hospital with a prescription for super strength motrin (once every 6 hours) and vicodin (1-2 pills every 3-4 hours as needed). For the first two days, I took the pills religiously. Then I started to wonder if the vicodin was effecting my (or the baby's) moods. I was feeling especially okay considering the lack of sleep and general overwhelmingness of the situation, and Zeke was blissfully mellow. At our first visit, I asked the pediatrician if she thought the drugs could effect the baby, and while she didn't think so, she suggested I could ween off the vicodin and just keep taking the motrin. So I did.

The first day off the vicodin was the worst I've had. It wasn't the pain (though that was there too) so much as the emotional nuttiness of the day. I could not stop crying, and I felt all the craziness of our new situation that I seemed completely unaware of the previous two days. Zeke also seemed changed. He was fussier than he'd been before and I felt completely unable to console him, and unable to handle the situation in any logical way. (I would have blamed sleep deprivation, but Zeke had actually slept really well the night before... though I suppose that doesn't make up for the previous nights of all-night feeding sessions.)

I'm not going to completely blame the meds for this crazy day. I know there are ridiculous hormonal changes going on in my body right now, and our situation IS overwhelming - that is real - for me and Dave - and Dave isn't taking any opiates (that I'm aware of :-) I took one vicodin the night before and morning of the bris (the night before since it's painful to get up and down to breastfeed at night and in my sleepiness I tend to forget to be careful with my poor destroyed abdomen, and the morning of because I though I could use it).

I haven't taken one since. And I feel okay. The pain is still there, but it's fading. And I still feel emotional, but not out of hand. Zeke has his good and bad moments, but he seems just fine overall. And I rather like the idea of having a few extra vicodin on hand for future moments when I feel like I really need it.

the bris

2008-05-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

I was convinced we were having a girl, so while Dave and I decided early on that we would do a bris if it was a boy, I didn't really think we'd have to worry about it. Circumcision is actually a bit controversial around here, and there are some who see it as borderline abuse. A lot of the reading in our birth class was decidedly anti-circumcision, saying that while it used to be done regularly for better health and hygiene, it's now seen as completely unnecessary an therefore should be reserved for ritual purposes only, if that.

So why would we, two generally non-practicing Jews, decide to do this to our little boy?

Other than a handful of cultural similarities, a certain Jewish "look" and the choice to celebrate or not celebrate a handful of prominent holidays, there are few things that really define you as a Jew and even fewer ways to assert that Jewishness. You can choose go to temple, you can choose to celebrate the Jewish holidays, you can add Jewish elements to your wedding or
other big life events, you can have a bar or bat mitzvah (I did, Dave didn't - our parents' choice mostly). The one thing you don't really choose - you just do - is get circumcised. Dave and I both question every choice we have to make (in life, and especially with this baby) so it's a little strange that we didn't question this thing that is so traditional and potentially painful for the baby, but it's just what Jews do. And even if we never go to temple, and only vaguely celebrate a handful of Jewish holidays (and celebrate Christmakkah with the Woulfins every year), we are still undeniable Jewish - and that is something we have passed on to our little boy.

Most people who have their boys circumcised these days do it in the hospital or pediatrician's office, and this was another choice we had to make. Did we want to do this quick and clinical in the sterile setting of a hospital? Or did we want to go traditional and hire a mohel? We actually did a bunch of research about this. In the hospital, they strap the baby to a board, numb him up with anesthetic, and make the cut. There is no ceremony or recognition of the event - it's just snip and done. With a bris, we could be at home - comfortable and warm and quiet. We could have our friends and family there. It costs a lot - more than I would have thought. (But then again, would you want to hire a bargain mohel? Don't think so.) The mohel uses anesthetic as well (though he doesn't wear gloves), and he supposedly does it faster than regular doctors. The baby is held by a family member on a pillow - surrounded with people who love him. There is a lovely set of prayers read in his honor - about being a good person, emphasizing community and education. And his name is formally "announced" to the Jewish community. Oh - and the baby gets wine! Deservedly so I think.

Dave and I had had enough of the hospital, and we loved the Jewish rituals that we incorporated into our wedding, so it made sense to us to incorporated some tradition into this event as well. We opted for the bris. And while I was completely dreading it in the days leading up to it, it really wasn't so bad. Z didn't cry any more than he does when we change his diaper, and he pooped on the mohel which I thought was pretty funny. The Rabbi emphasized that Ezekiel in Hebrew means strength (which seemed especially appropriate at this ceremony), and she talked about the friends and family surrounding him who would love and take care of him for the rest of his life. And then it was over - so fast - and I had him back in my arms and he (and I) slept for most of the rest of the day.

Am I glad we did it? Yes. Would I want to go through it again? Certainly not. But luckily, this is one of those things that you do one time only - and it defines you in some way for the rest of your life.

the surprising power of motherhood (or hormones?)

2008-05-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yes - of course this whole thing is tiring. And I know I'm supposed to sleep when Z is sleeping. Lindy suggested I try to nap at least once a day apart from Zeke - so I can get some amount of deep sleep - pretty impossible when he's right beside me. So yesterday I tried. Dave had Z on the couch and I went to the bedroom, about 30 feet away - to nap.

Within five minutes, I felt a physical pain of separation so strong that I started crying hysterically and had to come back and hold him for the next half hour. My logical mind was telling me how ridiculous I was being and that this was my body telling me I was going through some combination of sleep deprivation and hormone withdrawal, but all the same, I couldn't bear to be apart from him.

It reminded me of The Golden Compass (the book, not the movie) and Pullman's description of
what it feels like when someone is separated from their daemon. That's what it was like. Little Zeke, my daemon, my soul. And it occurred to me that I felt this way about a person I have only known for 5 DAYS!!

First Days at Home

2008-05-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

We left the hospital on Saturday afternoon around 7pm. We could have stayed one more night, but the pediatrician said Zeke didn't need to be there, the surgeon said I didn't need to be there, and so the only thing keeping us there was my fear of going home with this little person. I didn't think that fear would get any better by spending one more night under the surveillance of Alta Bates nurses, so we left.

The ride home was a little traumatic. We didn't have warm enough clothes for Z, we had a hard time getting him properly in the car seat, and by the time we figured it all out, he was tired, hungry, and just generally miserable. He and I both cried the whole way home and we were quite a mess by the time we arrived. (It's only 15 minutes away, but it felt a LOT longer.)

Sarah and Jeff helped us get settled and then we set about making our new home with baby.

Since that first night, I have to say it's been really, really nice to be home. Of course it's difficult to adjust to a whole new schedule - all based on keeping this tiny munchkin happy, but despite the lack of sleep and relative chaos of life with baby, I'm so grateful to have him in our lives that it really doesn't seem to matter. I hope I keep feeling this way for at least a while longer before the drugs wear off :-)

A Few More Pics from the Hospital

2008-05-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

Aunt Sarah and Uncle Jeff stop by for a visit. They've been a HUGE help to us and little Z loves them already. He is clearly a good judge of character.

Big, big wonder in a tiny little package.

Napping in the sun. (We had an amazing view of SF and both the Bay and Golden Gate Bridges. The trade off is that it was about 100 degrees in our room - especially in the late afternoon sun.)

God, we love this boy so much already, and it's only been 2 days!!

Z's Birth

2008-05-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

Little Zeke was breech in the womb, and despite all our efforts to turn him, he insisted on staying head up (asserting his personality early), so we knew in advance that he would be born by cesarean section. However, we were allowed to wait to go into labor naturally, and finally, six days after his due date, it happened.

The following account includes all the gory details of labor and delivery. If you just want the happy outcome, skip to the next post.

I woke up at 4am Wednesday morning feeling crampy - like regular menstrual cramps - but just figured it was yet another sign that labor could be "any time now." I slept on and off until the phone rang at 9:30am, and right after that, I lost my mucus plug. Yet another sign of imminent labor, but one that could mean labor within 24 hours, or 2-3 days. I called our midwife, Lindy, who said we should just come in for our scheduled appointment at 2pm that afternoon, and I called Dave to tell him what happened, but that he should stay at work. I spent the rest of the day sitting on the couch - talking on the phone, playing word games on Facebook, feeling about the same as I did that morning.

At 2pm Lindy checked me, saying my cervix was thinning, but since I'd had no contractions, I should just go home and wait. (Sigh.) I expected it to be another few days, but we got home at 3pm, and by 4pm, the cramps became timeable contractions - first about 10 minutes apart, then closer and closer until 7pm when they were about 5 minutes apart and Dave insisted on calling Lindy again.

Side note: I was in complete denial at this point. First, the contractions weren't what I expected. I thought it would feel like a braxton hicks contraction - a tightening of my whole belly - only painful. This felt like really intense menstrual cramps, very deep and low. And I felt perfectly fine in-between each one. Second, I really did not want to go to the hospital. I didn't feel ready for surgery. And I had only started laboring a few hours ago... I figured it would be days of contractions before we'd be ready to go.

I have to interrupt the story here to say that I felt very strongly about experiencing some amount of labor even though I knew I would be having surgery. First - I believe in the benefits of labor for both mom and baby - among other things, special hormones are released that are good for both and the contractions help prepare the baby's lungs for its first breath. Second, I believe that labor - in all its forms, medicated and non - is a kind of rite of passage for women - and I wanted to experience that at least a little bit.

However, Lindy warned us that it would be challenging to recover from both a long labor, and surgery, and once she convinced me that this was actual labor, we headed to the hospital, arriving at 7:45pm. I was very, very scared and thought that we were managing quite well at home using the techniques we learned in our birthing class, but despite my misgivings, the timing turned out to be perfect.

We checked in and were sent to a labor and delivery room - the same place we would have gone if I was having a natural childbirth. Lindy checked me and I was about 1.5 centimeters. I was put on a fetal heart monitor (standard procedure) and told that we would wait there until 10pm - 8 hours since I had last eaten. (They want you to have an empty stomach for surgery.) So I had 2 more hours to labor naturally. The nurses asked me if I wanted anything for the pain and I turned it down. I wanted to feel everything. And it was hard. But I did it.

In those two hours, my water broke. And it was filled (I mean completely filled) with meconium. Apparently this is very common with a breech baby as the contractions squeeze the baby's butt. Gross. (I'm very glad I was in the hospital for that part.) The contractions got really strong after that, and when Lindy checked me one more time before surgery, I was between 4 and 5 centimeters. I never expected to get that far, and I was proud of myself. And I have to admit that as the nurses were prepping me for surgery and the anesthesiologist told me it would be my last contraction, I was just a bit relieved.

I wish I could say I handled the surgery well, but I didn't. I can't remember ever being so scared. (It didn't help that the surgeon came our room ahead of time and gave me the run down of everything that could go wrong - protocol I guess.) I was shaking uncontrollably, I absolutely hated the feeling of going numb from the ribs down, and once the spinal took effect, I felt like I couldn't breathe and started hyperventilating. Dave had to be out of the room for all this, so Lindy was by my side, trying to calm me down.

It was better once Dave came in, and then it was only a few minutes before they asked if we were ready to meet our baby. I felt some tugging and then they lifted him over the curtain and Dave said "it's a boy" and I felt so many things all at once I can't really describe it here - shocked, amazed, happy, relieved, still scared...

Side note: Lindy suggested we bring a CD to play in the operating room. At the last minute, as we were walking out the door, I grabbed Dar Williams The Honesty Room. I noted three songs during surgery - first Alleluia - which helped remind me that this was a happy event despite my fear, The Baby Sitter is Here - which made me cry (in a good way) and The Great Unknown - which I commented to Dave was so appropriate for what was going on at that moment. Good stuff that Dar.

Once Zeke was out (we hadn't chosen a name at that point - more on that later) they put him on my chest for a few minutes. I really didn't know what to make of him and I remember wanting to touch him but feeling completely restricted by the blood pressure monitor that kept making my arm fall asleep. Then they took him away to be checked and cleaned. Dave stayed with him and Lindy stayed with me. I was so happy that he was finally here, but we still didn't know if he had downs syndrome - a question that had been in the back of our minds since we turned down the amnio many months ago. Lindy said she would go check (which probably took about 30 seconds but felt like an eternity), and when she came back and said that he was perfect, I finally let myself feel the true joy of the moment.

It probably took another 20 minutes for the surgeon to finish sewing me up. Lindy had written her midwifery thesis about the role of the midwife in non-emergency cesarean births, and in these last moments in the operating room, I finally asked her why. Her first son was born via cesarean and she wanted to make the experience better for other women than it was for her. Despite my fear and disappointment in not being able to have a natural childbirth, she certainly made it the best experience it could have been.

I met up with Dave and baby in the recovery room where we had to wait until I could move my toes and bend my knees. I'm not entirely sure, but I think this took 3-4 hours, and while I was thrilled to be reunited with Dave and Z, it was not the most pleasant experience. I didn't feel great after surgery. I hated the feeling of being numb and I had the shakes. I couldn't relax and was desperately trying to wiggle my toes and couldn't do it. (I kept thinking of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill... she's a stronger woman than I.) I was also super itchy. I was strapped to so many monitors: three EKGs on my chest and side (I think that's what they were), a blood pressure monitor that did a reading every 5 minutes, an IV, an occasional pulsox monitor on my finger, and these crazy leg things that would squeeze my calves every few minutes - apparently to help prevent blood clots. I felt like the bionic woman.

Finally - around 2am, we left recovery and went to our postpartum room where were spent the next 3 days healing, and getting to know our baby.

Welcome Baby Z

2008-05-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

He's here!

Ezekiel Lobel Woulfin was born on Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 10:28pm

He weighed 6 lbs, 15 ozs and measured 20 inches long.

We can't believe how amazing he is.

Proud parents, Mia and Dave